“A lot of people love me! Carmen loves me! Do you remember? In Lacu Roșu, she would greet me with: Good morning, sunshine!” says Jackie, on the way to kindergarten this morning, out of the blue.
Ah, the knowledge, the belief and confidence that you are loved without a trace of doubt. May this sense of love surround you and protect you always, my darling girl!
Sometimes Jackie and I have the most profound conversations in the car. Most often though, it is a struggle to find the balance between the volume of words, the nonsensical noise, the interruptions, in contrast with the nuggets of truth that we get to connect on. What scares me is that she is only one little girl. What hell of noise is upon us with two verbose little creatures come spring?
She sometimes says, as she gets in the car, or in bed with me in the morning, or late at night: “let’s talk! I like to talk with you Mami!”
This morning we had a good conversation about disciplining. At a party, a little boy was misbehaving and his mommy gave him an ultimatum and was very clear about consequences. Other mommies correcting their cubs can be scary for young onlookers, but the lessons are oh so valuable. Jackie checks in or reassures me that the moms love their kids even when they are disciplining. To which I respond: we know the moms love their kids because they discipline them.
At some point, back at the beginning, as I corrected Jackie with a stern voice, she told me that I’m the only mom who raises her voice, and no other mom disciplines her kids, or makes them eat their dinner.
Frankly, as a kid, I never knew what happens behind other families’ closed doors. And I thought my mom is made of equal measure toughness and kindness. My mom was pretty intimidating, throughtout my teenage days, and I believe I inherited some of her strong without-trying demeanor, when I’m in the zone.
Back to where this train of thought started: I am grateful to Carmen for her honesty disciplining her own kids. Especially that one hot day in France, when we were all crammed in the rental car, and waited a few extra minutes in the parking lot to get an earful of truth. Jackie was between Carmen’s two kids, who were fighting over her and other brotherly sharing disputes. Jackie stayed small and quiet. As Carmen brought some sense to the brotherly dispute, after she finished, with the calmest, kindest voice she turned to J and said: “you did nothing to deserve this drama. You were delightful, and simply caught in the middle. I’m sorry. Now let’s go shopping for food.”
Jackie whispered to me: “Now I know. Other moms discipline their kids too.” We have a newfound peacefulness in accepting the highs and lows of family dynamics.
I feel embarrassed to say that I have looked sharply at some young ones and said, at the end of my wits: “don’t be rude!” I’m sure my words have had a lasting impact, much like the love Jackie is convinced she is privy to, from my friends who seem have only loved kindness and generosity for her. As for me… I will continue to strive for kindness. Being firm, having boundaries, disciplining, speaking up… all come a little easier for me. Kindness is an ongoing journey of staying spiritually awake, connected. And as one of my favorite speakers would say: Clear is kind. Be clear to be kind. Be clear and be kind.
On the other hand, my genuine delight in my friends’ kids doesn’t need translation. I look in their eyes, I smile fully, I tickle them (a trick learned from Conrad) and I converse on their particular interests… and you know what? They are drawn to come again and connect. How would I want to be related to if I was a kid? As Steinhardt Says: “Our our erudition and intelligence are pointless if we are mean and vulgar… Nothing can replace or supplement a little soul kindness, a little good will, tolerance and understanding. A little sustained decency” relating to adults and kids alike.