These last two years of waiting, waiting to meet my youngest daughter, I had to separate my mind from my heart. I know full well what my heart desires, but I also understand my adoptive parenting rights in our current legislative system, and the powerlessness while waiting. 

My biggest battle was against bitterness. 

It’s easy to imagine all kind of crazy stuff. The silence was deafening. The discomfort of authorities in my presence was hurtful and confusing. 

Meanwhile, I am a full time mom and wife and business partner, dreamer and traveler, home maker and dinner maker, writer, daughter and friend. And life kept going.

It’s so tempting to escape into self pity. And to retreat. To push people away. Especially as the repetitive question regarding adoption keeps hitting in the same sensitive spot. 

Oh, bitterness of heart, how sweet and tempting. To wallow in my pain. 

I’ve asked myself what would make it more bearable. It boils down to my liaison with the institution, acknowledging the situation I’ve been put in. The impossible situation, of knowing and yet having to pretend I don’t. 

I don’t worry anymore about what I would do if i were matched with another child. I don’t worry about knowing of her. These things got solved on their own. I don’t even question God’s mysterious plan. Here we are and here is our reality. And I choose to not let my heart be suffocated by bitterness. The bitterness of loss. Of lost time. Of lost memories. 

I want to enter the journey of adoption with renewed energy, hope and joy.