Hot tears flowing, triggered by her emotions. I absorb and process at high intensity everything. I did not know I was so empathic.
After a great day, a day of generous giving, of patience and attention, she has meltdowns – on the clock, just as we get home. Usually as we get into the building. She either wants to go to the grandparents (even when it’s already late) or she wants chocolate, or she informs me that she doesn’t want to sleep. Never.
We spent the evening at Decathlon and tried all the sport toys. She had a blast. On the way back she wanted me to call Bunica to ask if she can go play.
She used up a lot of energy and it was fun. As she fussed on our way back be cause of the usual, I told her to get a head start and cry it all out while we are still in the car. So she did. So obediently :-p she wanted to remain at the grandparents and for me not to come. The level of comfortability is great there.
Out of spite, when she doesn’t get want she wants she tells me she wants to go to D&M.
I fell silent …inside. I know she is young and the fact that I told her numerous times that this one thing I can’t give her now, she still demands it with tears at times. It rips into my heart.
We did stop at the grandparents, at their invitation, and played and sang happy birthday 3 times so she can blow a candle and she was the center of the universe there. Willingly she came up and we stayed up late. I told her stories. We played, talked, she spoke English, it was nice!
I told her her adoption story and she kept asking “again!” So I told her the story countless times. She saw a picture of daddy and me at a wedding. And she asks: “where was I when you took this picture?” She wasn’t born. But she says “I want to be here with you!”
As I told her her adoption story involving her Foster family: D&M, and that God has prepared her just for mommy and daddy, she said “no, God prepared me for D&M” every time we got to this part. It hurt so much. She just started saying that her parents are D&M. Before we even decided to adopt, by biggest fear was the pain of hearing my child tell me “You’re not my mother!” These days she is contradictory about everything, just to test us, to test our responses.. some things hurt more than others.
Last night in the car, after crying for not getting her way, as we got out and helped her out of her seat, I asked “do you think Bunica and Bunicu want to see you all cranky and crying?” She stopped instantly. She wiped her eyes and said “Gata. Nu mai plâng!” – “I’m done. No more crying.” With a calm voice. Eerie almost. And that made me sad. Because she is only 3 and it seems unnatural for her to be so mature and self-controlled. I can see emotions being managed, adjusted… a skill we learn as we become adults.
I started praying last night for wisdom in parenting, with abandonment and utter desperate faith. And I cried. And she saw me. And asked me why I’m sad. And I told her that I love her very much! And hugged her tight. Then she tried to cheer me up. “What do you want me to buy?” …Let’s sing! Don’t be sad! I love you! [Hugs and Kisses!]