First time when I apply for a job and have a few interviews. After Conrad’s cancer I worried about our ability to provide. He is the designer. I manage everything else. We’ve become very interdependent. One would say enmeshed or codependent financially. 

I am extremely busy. Exhausted. Spent. Invested. But I’m not independent. With the kids I think I will never be. I remember how free I felt very early on. The gift of healthy childhood. My happiest year was when I was 16. And I had a pretty good youth. 

Anyway, interviewing I realized I’m very close to getting a full time job. But that would take me away from all the projects I love. And the people that now need me most. 

The hard part is that I really think I would have done a fantastic job developing people, inspiring people. But I just couldn’t go from 0 to 100% outside of home. To shift my development focus completely. Time is precious. The time with my daughters is unique now. They need me more than the third party employees who may or may not care what I have to give to them. Not the right context. Not the right time.

I pray the interviews were not a waste. I have this clarity about how everything connects and god redeems and transforms. 

I felt strongly to apply and to interview. I felt strongly to be upfront about declining the job, before the race was over. I feel the importance to be honest. Timely. 

I feel I have made a difference in the lives of my daughters. A difference that only I could make now. I have mentored many people. And it was rewarding and exciting and fruitful. A large group. A big impact. A financially sustaining and gratifying. That was then. This is now. Will I have the same drive, polished skills, energy in 5-10 years? Will I need to work full time ever again? 

God has been providing. And it’s a matter of faith. To remain a faithful worker in the folds I’m making a difference. May He Bestow  wisdom on my decisions, may I see clearly always his work in my life.