I know better than to make grand gestures, or hasty decisions. And yet, here I was, talking with my daughters in the evening, trying a different approach to self-motivation, drive, responsibility, a steady course on self-management.
We were looking at our habits, and my gentle nudging over time, picking up the slack here and there, reminding them to not forget their lunch, the one I had prepared for both of them. To not forget their water, their sports shoes, their phone if they were coming home by bus. But the stakes are still low. They can still afford to make mistakes and not be catastrophic.
I need to pull back. Even if it pains me. I asked Jackie if she can recall ever doing her stretches without reminding. In half her lifetime… maybe there was once, but she couldn’t remeber. What about brushing teeth. They do it now out of a deeply ingrained habit. Going to bed without us corralling them. Ooooor, getting up on their own.
I remeber the discomfort I overcame as a kid, getting myself up when I was younger than them. It is empowering, and a confidence booster to manage your own time. Why not start there?
As the year has less than two weeks of school, I told jackie I will abstain from reminding her to do anything. She is old enough to manage her own homework, pack her lunch with the abundant options in the fridge, and be ready for school in a timely manner. I don’t want to remind her of any of her responsibilities.
That night I tossed and turned. I couldn’t sleep. Worrying how will Ivy get to school on time of I don’t wake her up. That morning conrad woke her with the trumpet. She was so grumpy. The next day she had an alarm.
We love our kids and we want them to succeed, tobe well, to have all the resources and conditions to thrive. But if they don’t grow in the confidence that they can do hard things, according to their age, it will be a stunted growth. I don’t want to rob them of the incredible teachability and flexibility they have at this young age. They are eager to learn and to try things. I need to bite my lip and not intervene – let them do things their own way.
I sometimes think I need to save my kids from myself, by not being so present and available and reliable. Be accessible but not overbearing. It is tempting to be there – but without any bad intentions I may suffocate or stifle creativity and confidence.
I did feel the pangs of regret for giving them fair warning that I am stepping back, because I do keep my word even if it kills me. I am a woman of my word and that is part of my identity, my core identity. And they know it. Because they did step up. And I know there are things that will fall through the cracks but that is a price we’ll need to pay for now.