Over the last month I’ve been going through emotional and spiritual (healing) invigoration. My vision for life is becoming clearer again, with every trip, class, hike, sermon, breakfast and communion late at night. On a clear day I can see forever. I want to say it all at once, but I can’t. So I’ll write a few separate poems. Freeing poems. Remembrance stones.
Be subversive
Not yet tied to the church
Not yet responsible for the flock
We were welcomed and loved
We had a clear voice.
Then to understand better
I allowed myself to get immersed
To feel what they feel
To see what they see
I had almost forgotten that I am free
In my walk, in my faith.
Disappointment is a given.
I will not be and do everything you expect of me
You, the old generation, are oppressive.
And I had tried to change you.
Foolishly. I had earned your approval but at what cost?
No more. My purpose is not to endorse you.
My purpose is to be alive, live fruitfully and joyously an authentic broken and redeemed life.
Jesus did not try to make it to church every sabbath and blindly follow the old law. He was a rebel. Not seeking your approval, he loved people, and loved God.
Jesus was a rebel who lived authentically.
Broken
The people I admire the most
Are the ones who need not
to keep an appearance of perfection.
They do it with such ease and grace
drawing us to them
in their brokenness.
Nathanael
Gossip and slander
The sin that grieves God the most
Because of the scale of its damage.
Killing a person
Means to take one’s life.
Slander kills a community.
Why did David write psalm 51?
He was confronted by Nathanael.
In the meantime he lived in darkness for a couple of years.
Confessing his sin
He Regained his freedom
Stepping out in faith.
An old hurt, sin, betrayal.
Shame, fear, and the segregation of lifetime friends.
Suspicion.
The healing and rebirth took place,
And there has been rejoicing and celebration,
But the seed of unconfessed sin,
The stubbornness to control opinions and circumstances,
Made room for the devil’s whispers
That it is not finished
That he still has some cards to play.
Far away from the place where gossip thrives
That place, that network influences communities across the world.
We still cover up,
We still live in fear…
If we only knew
That reaching the bottom
Of the pit,
Giving out life
Letting go of control
We might taste the Truth.
I pray for a Nathanael
for anyone in need of a confronting friend.
I pray for the courage that David had
To come clean. To be set free.
True to self
I dodge the bulls eye.
I see trough the simplest answer or the most direct question,
And I avoid it.
I hold off on playing the best cards,
But by the next round
My best card, the uncomfortable truth,
Is irrelevant.
Speak up.
Say what you think.
Say what you mean.
Don’t be afraid
To make others uncomfortable
And by doing so
Depriving yourself and them
Of the gift of insight,
The freedom of truth.
Trying to be liked, approved, endorsed,
Is a dangerous slippery slope.
Disappoint people early.
Seek God’s approval always.
…I have stewed this one over this past half a year. Detached, I think it’s time to articulate it: How the devil tried to undermine and destroy more than the fair share, unexpectedly this past year.
Flirt.
And naïveté.
Insecure young women looking for attention, validation.
A husband not wanting to be the bad guy.
What shall it be?
Disappoint the flirt,
Or jeopardize the marriage?
Wisdom.
The decision to look with the eyes wide open.
Confronting. Articulating. Asking question. Presenting facts.
Listening. Trusting each other.
I love and ache for these women.
I understand the danger,
I empathize with the longing heart,
I understand the draw.
I have enjoyed the attention of men
When I shouldn’t have.
But let us be like Joseph and flee.
Than try to negotiate with the devil.
—
I just read this poem to Conrad over coffee, before the world woke up. He looked deeply into my eyes and asked “What if you made this public?”