On the couch

As Conrad got diagnosed with Covid, and I still felt fine, we quarantined him in the guest bedroom where we slept, and I moved on the couch in the play room. A spacious hall, with books, games, hobby machines and toys. A large window facing the back garden and a gnarly oak tree shading the light might sky. 

First night I fell asleep fast and slept right through. Alone in bed Conrad slept 14 hours. It was his reset night. The next day he felt great but still tested positive. Duh! 

We had so hoped it was allergies and a false positive. I felt pretty down that day. I brought him food, wore a mask, and carried the burden of having exposed myself to Covid. The night he had a fever and breathed his hot sick germs towards me, nothing unusual for a mom, but this time I wondered about it and did nothing. What was there to do? I sat and inhaled the germs and touched his hot forehead, as he ached. 

As the second night on the couch drew near, I felt tired, slight headache. I so hoped I didn’t get sick. Because mom and dad’s plans were already altering and now the cousins couldn’t visit. I thought we can’t be even more of a burden that we already are. Plus, Wednesday and Thursday we are supposed to cook. If we were home we would have masked and gloved fed the children. 

That second night was brutal. My head on the pillow made my nose stuffed up. Completely clogged. My face ached. And all I could think about was how ashamed I was for being sick, and for having to spend money on a test. I suffered through the night. I heard every noise, every bathroom trip, the girls breathing deeply, it was soothing to know that they are healthy. I dreaded that long night. I was nauseous in the morning. From e exhaustion and the headache.  A shower always energizes me, so I hopped in the shower. Bad idea. I was dizzy. And a far squirrel was eating a bud off a tree. Conrad is suspicious there was really a squirrel 🐿️ but I remember thinking in my haze, I wish I had the clear vision and energy to sit here and look at it. The shower was short and cold. I didn’t have time to wait for the water to get very hot. I finished to rinsing my hair wrapped myself in a towel and stormed in the quarantine bedroom crashing on the hardwood floor. Conrad was startled. Put the mask on. Ask if I was ok. I needed to regain my breath and get dressed. I was so faint I was worried I will crash in the bathroom and then they’ll have to come find me naked on the floor. Call me a prude, but I disliked that prospect.

Mom wondered if it’s just empathy sickness. Oh, I felt it is a luxury to allow myself to feel truly every ache and pain and let it be, acknowledging it, respecting and letting it heal. Slowly. 

I did a test. It was positive. I must have put on a good show the day before. I was slowing down fast yet wearing a mask knowing the virus is preparing its attack. 

I have been stuffed up for two days. Finally I can breathe through one nostril. I don’t take flu medicine to alleviate the aches and congestion. I still feel lightheaded but I don’t have the shivers and I don’t have a headache. My nose is runny and not a full capacity, but better. 

The girls have been model children and they miss us. And for the first time in a long while I miss them too. 

Time to rest again. Feeling drowsy. My body is working hard to recover.