My hope is in the Lord

  • I wait upon the Lord

New season

I put everything out of my mind and delighted in the blossoming nature, the breeze, the smell of flowering buds. 

This Spring feels spectacular; it’s quite enchanting and in deep contrast with the reality of the world economy and health care system. 

Ivy refused to call us for two days. I thought we’re just giving each other a little extra space and time. Calling quenches the deep thirst for reconnecting, but it also pokes at the pain of separation. 

The foster mom tells us she started biting her nails a couple of days ago. I can only imagine the turmoil in her heart, the longing, the confusion. “How long?” she asks with sad eyes, as if she could grasp time. She can’t. It’s just an indefinite waiting. He nonverbal expression distress sunk my heart and caused me to fret for her wellbeing.

I can forget myself. I have my coping mechanisms, and there is prayer. Jackie gets to hear my heart in prayer, and I believe she soothes her own mind in such a way, through prayer as well. Prayer as shield, not passive but is being used actively by our kids who witness prayer.

Today Jackie asked why we haven’t talked with ivy yesterday. I told her that ivy is upset with us for not going to get her. “She is too young to understand the limitations imposed by authorities.” I told Jackie that ivy has the right to be upset. I’m only sad I can’t do much about it. 

The I got to talk with Jackie about her own prevalent stubbornness as of late. No matter what we suggest, she is “miss-contrary”. And after a while it gets exhausting. I’m trying to give her space, and freedom and options, but the stubbornness only increases. So I’m starting to see a trend, a downhill trend. We talked about trust, about obedience, about parents’ best intentions and our love for her. She sat and listened. She asked questions. But then, all of a sudden, she stormed to her room, closed the door and there was silenced for a while. I was reading a short note of encouragement on my phone when I heard her sob. I left her be for another minute. Then Conrad went in and asked her what was the matter. Through sobs she said she misses Evelyn. 

Daddy sat next to Jackie on ivy’s bed. Then I went in, and Rufus joined us quickly. He licked her tears and smelled her ears. And tickled her into giggles. That’s what Rufus does. 

Then I prayed. And sometimes I wish I could record our prayers together. But God records them and gathers innocent tears. I thanked God for Jackie’s loving heart. And I prayed that she would be encouraged by the Spirit, and soothed by God’s love. I acknowledged that God’s provision and care and love are the ones sustaining us. And I prayed that Evelyns mind and heart would be safely comforted in God’s hands and hidden away, wrapped in His love. 

We only mention in passing ivy’s quick and definitive move to our home. I pray we all rest in God’s timing. 

But I stil pray that the work he has begun in cleaning shop, in removing from office those who do more harm than good, and who interfere with the expansion of God’s kingdom. I pray that the floodgates of adoption open wide and parents and children are reunited. My hope is in the lord. Not in people. Though I believe God can and will work through people. 

Then, as a lovely surprise gift, ivy called. And we had a sweet connecting time. She talked about her toys, her baby, the lego and puzzle, she ate an apple with me, we talked about her lama, I tried to bring the medical kit from the room, but Jackie wouldn’t let me pass. We pretended that the doctor was sick too. Jackie threw a light tantrum, and then went to her room plugging her ears and hid behind the curtain. Ivy took mental notes with a curious expression. Daddy and Rufus were both present and active on the call. Jackie acted out, Ivy played hide and seek. She is determined that she wants to come to cluj. Three more weeks of sheltering in place. By God’s grace, the travel and work limitations will be lifted enough to have the last home evaluation and then bring Ivy home for good.

Meanwhile, I believe praying incessantly is as necessary as breathing fresh air. We can’t put her out if our mind. I will bear the weight of her well being through prayer. It’s my only outlet. My one tool. My one holy weapon of defense against the spiritual war raging outside.

Like Peter walking on water. Every step is taken in faith. Otherwise we sink. So we pursue God, looking up and ahead to Him. Our hope is in the Lord.