The world makes sense as I sit and listen to Conrad reading the third book in a series. The author can pinpoint heavy or complex issues, pretty general as it appears, and bring clarity into my own life.
After the trip to California I decided to muster up the patience to go the extra mile. With Conrad first of all. And we remembered to laugh at things that would have been annoying 3 months ago. I hope and pray that this is a stream and bit a bucket of energy, of kindness, of clarity.
Here are some of the things I wish I had stopped to put into words. They seemed like gold when they dawned on me. I’ll start with the last one. A friend I visited talked about how tired she and her husband are. They have two kids. She said she sometime had the urge to pack and leave. Leave alone and live in the woods. I sometimes think children are give at this time to keep people busy and put. I can’t explain to you the desperation of a pointless life. When we decided to move to Romania we had everything professionally (intellectual appreciation, good challenges and development, money) but it felt like the world is ending. I have wanted the challenge and reward in future hope, through children. I am an investor at heart. I have always saved the best for last. And it occurred to me as I was talking with this same friend about projects. I have too many projects and prioritizing between them does not come naturally. I realize that I would have to quiet down my mind and listen to my heart. But I am so responsible, I feel compelled to do what I must before I do what I like. The school system never taught me how to have fun. Only if I were a rebellious back then. But I guess becoming a rebel in my early 20s is not too bad wither.
On that note, I feel responsible to give my time outside, while I can, while there is time. As pouring my hours into the home life, into children, would prevent doing all the things I have done these years. But let me tell you. I am ready to take a break. And do the home thing. We live too much according to our society’s expectations, what looks good, what is admirable, what is chic etc.
There is also the issue of being liked. I was pretty anonymous growing up and it was wonderful, with room to breath and discover who I am. I absolutely loathe the vip status of Romania. I had no problem being known and memorable in California. But here it comes with strings attached. Once you are granted this “privilege” you have to perform. Weather that is attending more events than you care for, or saying hello to all people when you have no energy left. And if you don’t, you come across as snob, and there are other more unpleasant repercussions. I’d much rather disappoint everyone at once in order to be left in peace. On the other hand, when friends give us the cold shoulder, and for the life of me I can’t remember what I did to offend them, I try not to read too much into it, often without success. I honestly would rather ask directly, but then again, maybe we weren’t as close as I thought we are, to warrant a frank discussion. I would take any day an honest-even-painful word over a mulled-over-the-years grudge.
I am so thirsty for structure in my day. So thirsty. At heart we are still kids who want to be told what to do, and be rewarded at the end of the day.
A few days later after writing this I met with a Bulgarian friend living and working in Cluj, and chatting with her was quite refreshing. We see the world similarly. She mentioned a cultural survey in which Romania scores 90 in the Uncertainty-Avoidance. http://geert-hofstede.com/romania.html and this is the major drama in trying to be upfront direct transparent with people. No matter how much you brace yourself to be a certain way, those around you will subconsciously try to change your way, because it’s uncomfortable and unusual.
It was below freezing on Thursday at 9 am. We got up slowly. That morning Conrad let me sleep in till 7:30. He took Rufus out to do his first *business of the day.
Then we gathered everything necessary and went to town at 9. Straight to the insurance office where there were 26 people ahead of us. The usual line it appears. I wish I had taken a picture of the waiting room. Bundled up people, old and young, some with kids. Waiting patiently, orderly. The two doors were covered in old, faded, corners-ripped papers with lists of necessary documents, or other informative stuff. In the corer there was a coffee vending machine. 25 cents the cup. It was quiet. In this last in time building there was an electronic numbering system above the door, inviting only one person at the time in the office where behind four desks there were clerics entering information into a computer. We had to wait maybe an hour. The lady helping us was pleasant and informative. We were there to sign up for state health insurance. I asked around and looked all over for more information before I had to wait in line. But no luck. I had to go there and have the nice lady tell me that I have to go to a different public institution, the Finance building, fill out a form and pay retroactively for 7 months of insurance, prior to the application. About 15 dollars a month per person and puff! You are insured, after one more wait in the long line at the Insurance office. Such is life. You have to be insured in the public system to get the official papers for adoption. The private insurance won’t do.
And thus, we are moving right along. March is going to be busy with this project.
Last Sunday we went to the Orthodox Cathedral and listen to the liturgy. It was a heavenly sound, the choir, the reverence, the incense smell. I love the majestic interior, though it was cold and crowded.