Impatience as Self-Preservation

People who know me know that I tend to make decisions relatively quickly. Whether it involves what apartment to rent or whether to propose marriage to the woman I had just met, I’ve been resolute. Some might say rash, but it’s worked out so far.

I’ve been thinking about why that is recently, and I think it stems from my tendency to avoid stress. Something that I’ve been actively training myself to do since high school. I realized early on that there are some things worth stressing about, and the vast majority of others, not. Maybe that’s just a way to live in the present and not in the what-might-be or what-might-have-been.

…I try to remember to let go and not force the wheel; nothing will be sprung on us that we can’t handle.

So since realizing that my hastiness is rooted in my aversion to stress, I’ve been thinking a lot about our impending—life changing—decisions. I think in many ways, this trip, and our ever-approaching dreams, have given me the most time to think about what might be—or rather, to dwell in the future—and I’m beginning to feel the stress. In the past, it’s always been that we need a new apartment, and we go and rent one; or we need a new car, so we go out and buy one. But this time, the decisions are to buy an apartment, and to begin the process for adoption (the latter of which could take anywhere from one week to one year in Romania), and there’s nothing I can do from here but sit on my hands and mull. It’s this lack of ability to act that my imagination, and thus my stress, runs rampant.

It’s difficult to focus these days to say the least. We’re counting down the days now, and speculating what we might be doing from day-to-day once we arrive. There are so many possible paths that are swimming around my mind, and I try to remember to let go and not force the wheel; nothing will be sprung on us that we can’t handle.

Most people make these types of decisions over the span of years—and I now realize that they can handle stress much better than myself—but I can’t help but think that this is taking too long…