I have enjoyed the present,
the gift of time,
the fragrance and the taste of the Provence
With butter croissants and ice cream and cheeses
We have had a lovely reset and I felt happy
I rested my mind while my legs got tired exploring
Even my kids who were so well behaved on this trip
noted that I was happy
And I was.
But as we got home
Laundry and meals and homework restart.
Responsibility abounds
They make bids for connection
and I respond with patience
and help with homework
But I am reserved
I am not letting myself feel full joy and delight
Am I afraid of my own emotions
Of disappointment or frustration?
Joy is good!
Joy is healthy.
Joy is welcome.
My kids look expectantly at my expression of pleasure and delight
My genuine happiness.
I pray for courage to embrace a light heart
And to not be afraid to be happy
—
Parenting is traumatizing for parents
Kids take and take advantage
Pushing the bedtime
Squeezing more of this and that
With sweetness or whining
Whatever works.
If you give in
Making exceptions
They push harder next time
I don’t know when I started
But if I sensed their negotiating
Looking for any crack
in the door or in the argument
They would go for it.
Obtaining what they want.
So I also learned fast to use my firm tone
Restating the limit.
And I lost myself somewhere on the way
In wearing the bad cop badge.
Firm voice. Authority.
Gets things done.
But ultimately cold and lonely.
Parenting is not just about keeping kids safe
Healthy and strong
I want to enjoy the present too
I dread that right now I nag, lead, guide, help,
Wipe, explain, soothe, listen and correct.
I feel used and abused.
I used to be fun. Relaxed. Happy.
Now I see a crazy difference between mom on vacation and mom back to school
Bed time and quiet time and food and homework.
That doesn’t even include everything else I have to do beyond parenting. Home, business, finances and volunteer work. Community church friends, marriage and self development.
It is not just about kids,
though they occupy 90+ % of my energy, time and focus.
I am more than a mom.
I’m a person. A friend, a woman.
A wife and someone’s daughter too.
I used to be cared for and then I used to be independent.
But having dependents feels endless
though they are so far ahead in independence.
I don’t want to hold back to feeling whole
Happy or direct or firm or kind or empathetic.
I want to live a life of integrity. Within myself.