“Speak to me” this is what I ask God, as I wander in white silence. I wait. It’s been a whirlwind …and I ask again “speak to me; I don’t hear you”.
I just watched this movie about a young man who volunteered into the war, though he was a pacifist and he swore to never take one life but to save lives. During his training, when refusing to pick up a gun, his colleagues start to mock him. They beat him trying to convince him to give up the army, because they were afraid that he wouldn’t be up to par fighting alongside them. This is a true story and the end scene, when the battalion retreats and abandon the war field, he is left alone, surrounded by darkness, smoke, mud and blood. The only friend he had dies wounded, in his arms.
And he reaches rockbottom wondering “what am I doing here?”.
His hot tears flow down his cheeks, gripped by that sense of desperation pleading with God to speak to him again, to show him the way.
That’s how I feel right now.
And there is silence up on the bloody battle field and in that silence a piercing cry for help is heard. Our soldier stops and appears to smile, as if hearing the much awaited voice, and says “all right then”. And thus began his night’s work which made history. With every man he saved and brought down to safety he would go back and ask God to help them save one more. His commander was in disbelief of how much he achieved alone the entire night. Borderline impossible. He was known as the coward soldier who didn’t want to kill. Now there is a twist for you.
Despite the “good” and “forceful” advice he received he said he couldn’t live with himself if he did otherwise. Being different is not just OK but it is what God calls us to be.
I feel low, and I asked Conrad for a few moments to myself that he would take Rufus and Jaclyn for a walk. I needed some time to meditate, some time to myself, to let my thoughts settle and not feel rushed. I know this is luxury, but I had to even try to verbalize my heart’s desire.
As I ask God to speak to me again, my heart is turned back to the Psalms, to my treasured Bible. I proclaim my faith, but I walk by memory. Sometimes inertia is easier. Walking intentionally upward is hard work.
We made it this far. And parenting is like entering the doldrums of a journey, through the foggy forest. I am certain of my path at an intellectual level, but my heart wavers at times …at times of sheer emotional exhaustion, or at times of disciplining, or those times when Conrad and I fight about disciplining.
I love my daughter and she adores me. She believes I hung up the moon in the sky. If there is one thing I never sought, is this totally blind love. Isn’t God a tricky one! He is intentionally bothering me with the sweetest kind of love.
I hear her say: “Mommy, I need you!”
to which I mutter in answer to God: “all right then!”