God and fear

The awe, the respect, the fear, these were modeled to me as a kid. This is what makes me shiver with life as I read the Bible. I understand this language. 

The adults in my life didn’t lie to me with the sweetly sickening softness. They were fair and trustworthy yet they made us tremble at times. This in turn carried a lot of guilt for them, more than we thought necessary even then. 

They didn’t repair in so many words. But they provided consistency and we saw the struggle of trying to do the right thing even when they failed. 

This weekend my kids grumbled and fought with each other. Conrad gave j a timeout when she saw her hitting her little sister with a book. What he didn’t know is that the little sister hit first. 

They offered to clean their room while we deep cleaned the house on Saturday. They made more of a mess, pulling everything out to rearrange and lost steam half way through. Jackie even had a small astma stack after pulling all the dust on the books. 

Ivy was trying to pretend to be the good kid, sweet like a cat. But I see right through her. I’ve never fallen for it … actually the kid who always fall on their feet, trying to get the other one in trouble saying louder than necessary what their sibling is  doing wrong. 

I kept my cool using words, setting  expectations, resetting boundaries. But it’s been too smooth cruising for a while and both girls needed a reset. A come to Jesus talk. And I deliver those only with a loud voice. And it can’t be faked. 

We dumped on the table all the small issues and pulled all the buttons they’ve been pushing. All in, and call. 

It started with the threat of spanking, following through, and ended with me crying. 

We are so afraid (I’m not) to not disturb the fragile balance of our kids inner world but we make it fragile by tiptoeing around them never confronting them with their sin. And pretending we are friends and we have endless peace in the house. 

We studied Deuteronomy in church this Sunday. And it gave me further hope for parenting. It is the language I speak. It is what moves me.