I remembered about the cycle of trust, when kids have a sort of ebb and flow, with their parents or caregiver, or person of reference. They explore the world and they return to connect with their adult. When they are little kids, this back and forth is very dense. Kids barely turn around to test the world and they immediately come back to show you. To get your reaction. To reconnect with you. Often times, kids adapt to the preference of their parents.
Some parents prefer to see their kids be brave and independent. Others feel more comfortable when kids return to safety and to cuddle.
Other times there is a clash, and pain and scars we learn to live with.
There are times when parents need to get off the circle. To recharge themselves. WE ARE NOT BOUND TO THE CIRCLE.
I am frankly tired of seeing every inane thing, or giving approval, of engaging all the time. My attachment style embraces independence. Being together always, kids don’t make a conscious decision to let you off the hook. They see you within reach, they reach. Connection feels good to them. You are at their beck and call. Occasionally, it is very good for them to be self sufficient and seek affirming confidence elsewhere other than their mommy. Their home is safe and they can explore at will.
As a mom I felt guilty for getting off the circle, but as I remembered the concept and theory of this cycle as well as smart care, I feel more confident about this decision for self care. I need my own circle of rest and return to play and connect.
I write this as it’s the first Monday of vacation, and we woke up the usual time, around 6 am, and Ivy is already up. To see the sunrise with us. Coffee before sunrise used to be our time alone. But Ivy is a morning person. And after she got enough rest last week, she comes down and snuggles. I have mixed feelings about it. We tried to persuade her to stay in bed. Next time she wakes up early. Or play quietly. She wants out company.
Last night we reminded the girls that when we have coffee in our hands it’s quiet time for us. And to respect that.
For the most part, we found a rhythm, and we all feel more settled, comfortable, connected. But as seasons change, I realize we need to continue out journey of adaptation. Our needs, their needs. Our shared balance and love.