This Fall I meditated and let go. I realized how little I have control over, how alone I am, but not lonely. I filled my cup to the brim, whenever I had the opportunity and I mourned the changes I feared, and then let go.
My long time friends are in different places in life, with personal dreams and their endless pursuit, and other priorities. It often seems that they never have time.
Another friend of mine who is down to earth, serene and hopeful said something that stuck with me, she said she is friends with everyone and goes everywhere she can. In my heart, conflicting loyalties due to church transitions or mutual friendships, I always overthink the mixing of all my friends in one setting. I think I’m just trying to be efficient with my time. But the reality is that it won’t do.
So this fall, without great expectations, but a hopeful heart, I asked the moms I’ve known from a long time, who started taking their kids to the same kindergarten as J, if they would like to meet weekly, to pray, to talk about motherhood, the books we read and the revelations we have. We met in the park once, after dropping kids off, and we had such a good time. And we want it or not, all of us come to the same address early every morning. The schedule aligns.
Then, next Friday I have a different group of women coming over for a glass of wine and to reconnect. On Thursday I meet with the adoptive moms. And next month we have the biggest reunion of them all, at J’s birthday party. And after that, we take every week as it comes.
I understand also the feeling of drain, of dreading being involved in anything, of wishing just to be left in peace, of having nothing to say… and not even wanting to make eye contact. I have those days and I’m ok with them.
Meanwhile I hope I will serve my friends when I can, and not add to their burden. While delighting in company, coming together and getting encouraged. Feast together in hope and the grace of God.