Driving home from church, the question the pastor posed at the beginning of the sermon lingered in all our mind. Jackie shared with us her answer. She believes that we, her parents, are the wisest people she knows. And she doesn’t give gratuitous compliments. She is very blunt and matter of fact. It is very encouraging to me to hear that she believes us to be wise …still. She is only 12. Who knows what the future will bring. I am 100% she will question us and our wisdom in the future. Alas, we relish in this present gift.
It has been my lifetime desire that I may be a wise person. It is what it is have asked of God since childhood, just like Solomon.
Then I wondered who would I consider a wise person. And for various reason, people who past in a fleeting way though my mind were put aside for various reasons – but not least of them a hasty speech, a lack of restraint in passion or frustration. Even the kind that is justified. People who cannot control their intense emotions are not wise in my mind.
I have used my emotions to plow through hard conversations, to build courage to confront injustice, to confront evil. But hoe much more powerful to learn to speak the truth with conviction from a calm and collected stance?
There is this person I love dearly and admire, someone who inspired me in many ways, but who has spoken in haste as of late. And hurt other people’s feelings and sometimes irreversibly damaged relationship that indirectly affect me as well. She may feel justified and may have extenuating circumstances but as I ponder this last year, her lack of support pushed her to the edge of her wits hurting others with words. And as I can to this realization I cried bitter tears. What am I to say to this person. Shall I let them be and go on as they usually do until then ext crisis when they will overreact?
I feel compelled to address the root problem and as I gave a talk on feedback I pondered my own advice. Prepare my heart. Speaking from a hurt place or with hasty words may have the opposite effect to the one I desire.My goal is for them to correct or repent or realize where they failed. From my perspective they failed. And not just once.
I am not directly offended and by God’s grace I do have abundant grace for our own relationship and I feel insulated from their opinion and judgement – and I have also tasted the harshness of her emotions in cutting words that felt unjust and unwise.
So I prayed and thought at length about what to say and how. Words can bring life or death. Correction said in haste that cuts deep will not necessarily produce new growth but will cause a plant to wither.
And I will have to ask for permission to have a difficult conversation. I don’t want her to be more worried about my own emotions as I speak with clarity and kindness – firm and from a heart that desires what’s best. I will have to open my mind to hear what she has to say, to understand better her circumstances and Gove her a chance to feel heard and seen – but the truth stands that she has hurt many with her words. These two realities coincide and we will have to reconcile our own future with them. I don’t necessarily care for her to make amends. There may not be room to repair. So many severed relationships of trust. She has been hurt by the family pf origin and so often the solution was to remove herself from unhealthy relationships – I guess she will only have those that mattered well enough to be sustained or preserved or healed. Most people may not care enough to redeem their relationship with her.
This morning I funnily woke up with a clearer heart. Praying and allowing my heartache to breathe and heal and gain perspective before I speak to her… detach some, and hope for wiser more collected words and the heart to listen.
A wise person. I long for this person to be that. Meanwhile may I have the wisdom to reach out with grace.