“will you stay to see me dance?” asks ivy as we are doing a craft, a Christmas wreath with her class. The event lasted two hours instead of one. I had to run midway to take Jackie to music school for her clarinet exam. then drive back to catch the Santa gifts giving and caroling. I saw a picture that the teacher took after I left and ivy was so sad. I was sad too. I cried on my way across town, sad that I’m missing out on ivy’s dance. Sad that she had expressed her wish and I couldn’t do it.

We made sweet memories today. But they were mixed with heartache. And exhaustion. I am worried for Conrad. And his state of health. When it comes to doctors I need to make decisions about him going to see one if needed. I have to go and get him medicine and I have to sweet talk him into accepting the medical ordeal. this is a heavy burden.

necessity has granted me a the path to a strong personality. I’d rather be carefree and sweet. but as it turns out, when my kids test my limits it’s also a question and a longing to know if I’d still go to battle for them. if I still roar. if I still know the way. they don’t do it on purpose, as far as I can tell, and that makes it bearable.

Jackie did say: “you really love us!” when she realized I crossed the busy town of Cluj Napoca mid December three times for their events back and forth and made sure they got there on time.

At the end of the day, this was a success. but I am spent. conrad feels slightly better. hopefully on the mend. hopefully it’s nothing dramatic or final. hopefully.