We live with no margin. Even if I save some space, mental, physical, on the clock, it has become the space where I dump last minute requests, needs, plan changes. So while I get high on the success of fitting everything in just right, then I crash into the realization that this is not sustainable. I am addicted to productivity but now I start to forget what I just got up to do. I fix things on the way, I’m efficient, but again, I crossed the threshold of too much.

I cried and cried and cried of exhaustion on the day that Conrad actually took one of the girls to school. The moment I tasted rest my brain couldn’t process it. It was scary.
Jackie told me that evening that she wanted to ask if she could take her dessert pastry to school but I looked too overwhelmed. Also Conrad told her to stop asking me unnecessary questions. But the biggest hurdle now for the kids is discerning what questions are necessary. When they get nervous and try to be helpful, usually they create more chaos and work for me. I acknowledge the effort they make to not ask random things but if they had their way, and went with the flow, I would be deluged once again with nonsense.

The two week mark hit me. And I realized I can’t continue this way. Then I instantly recognize that I’m not really stuck. There are many choices. J can quit music school. We start skipping school days when we can’t make it. But that means we enter survival mode. I could delegate evening school pickup to my dad. Every day. Or the bus. Whatever. I don’t want to fit the day just right. I don’t want to decide anymore. I’ll make a basic weekly meal plan and stick to it. If it costs more, so be it. Or soup every lunch or dinner. That can be heated as we arrive from our travels into the city traffic.

I haven’t helped with homework and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t care for grades. j is now motivated enough to try harder. It’s not easy but it’s not my homework.

A more dramatic way out is letting someone else step in all together. If I disintegrate who will step in? I think this shocked Conrad into action. I said “I can’t anymore” many times that tearful day. I’m not dramatic and I don’t use such pessimistic words lightly. But it was actually freeing to say: no. I can’t do this.

J tried to convince me today to take her to school instead of Conrad. I had to say it again. No. I can’t anymore. Why? She asks. Because both of the girls plead with me to do things with them, for them, and I am flexible, and I adapt, but I’m at a breaking point. There is nothing wrong or bad to be accompanied by daddy to school. Sure, he wears a funny German hat, and looks like a bodyguard, and he doesn’t Indulge the girls in nonsense chats, but he is warm and safe. That is more than bare minimum.

What am I killing my self for? Slight preferences? Often times not really making a difference. May God give Conrad stamina. Continue to keep him sharp, willing, strong. Same with the girls. May they have strength to overcome the smog and exhaustion of ridding the bus. It is not easy. But then again, what is?

—

After Conrad took Jackie by bus to school, and there is a 150m elevation from the bus stop to the school, he brought ivy back home by bus. By request. She wanted to ride the bus with daddy just like her older sister. They got home hot but in good spirits. Jackie got home four hours later by bus as well. She nearly followed the three boys to the tram station but she decided to call me first. I told her to take the bus that will bring her straight home and not mess around with changing the plan. She went back to the bus station and got on just in time. She ride the bus by herself, at 4 pm on a sunny, late September warm afternoon. I’m so proud of her for going against the flow, to get home in a timely manner and rest.

It was a good day. We are having some amazing days together despite of the outward hardship. I’m starting to see the connection more clearly though. Physical challenge overcome produces an abundance of joy and satisfaction and confidence and makes room for connection. I know I’m naturally proud of my kids courage and independence. And they connect and lean into it.