It’s hazy. White clouds move fast through the hills. I dropped J off to kindergarten and upon getting home, before the workday starts in earnest I took conrad and Rufus for a walk. Yesterday Conrad went outside only after 5 pm, eyes sore from allergies and computer work.
As we stroll through the now lush green fields, dog in heel, we seem to live it up. We see the workers giving us long looks. They don’t see the invisible huge burden weighing down on Conrad’s mind. He has four big clients who all attend the same biggest yearly coffee event, and his every day to-do list is pages long. He manages stress pretty well, is levelheaded, focused, driven …but this has been a marathon. A two months marathon for him. Surprisingly his broken foot coincided with this busyness… so staying put has been bearable, and well justified.
There are two new moms in the neighborhood. We got to chat in the afternoon It’s nice! People are more social as the sun comes out in the light Spring. But in the heat of summer, humans, much like insects, hide away in cool places. This time I know not to expect it year round.
We talk about kids, and I have been told, jokingly or not, that I have no room to talk. Jaclyn is older and most independent compared to all the kids in the apartment building. Plus, I didn’t go through the newborn stages of constant cry. Luckily, I don’t take it personal. I don’t feel offended either. I believe I understand where this sourness comes from too. Alas, I like my shoes and I know them well. I’ve walked in the many miles. I know trying anyone else’s’ shoes on, I would feel a certain lever of discomfort, uneasiness …they would not fit me well, they wouldn’t be broken in by my particular feet shape …but I promise you – my path has had it’s trials. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss or belittle the journey of adoption. Just sayin’. I could affirm it is exciting and beautiful, and indeed it has it’s easy side, along with its heart wrenching sides. Never tell a mother she as no room to talk.
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It occurred to me – in this more challenging season I find it easier to pray. Pray for my heart’s desire, pray for mom and dad who are going through a season of challenging change. Exciting but oh so heart wrenching. They are selling their 20+ years home to move out of state. This month… This week. Their house is transformed and perused and that street I’ve come to call home for over a decade will not be there for us, waiting bright, with delicious food and drinks, with family on the porch. Jaclyn got to call it her home in California for a quarter of a year. What a blessing. What sweet memories have we made there this year! So I pray. With the intensity of the ache I feel myself. And I am grateful for empathy.
Then I pray for the moms in my immediate neighborhood. And a community where God could be known, welcomed, loved, praised. I pray for courage to stand up straight in the Light of who God is. And share of His grace through mundane things. To speak of Hope and His Love, with words and without. It is more joyously to give than to receive. I could retreat in my lovely cozy cave, but while I’m here among people, among mothers who are beautifully generous and fun and loving, because they were created so, I want to be Present and share in.
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As for the adoption journey… we can’t quite picture where we are to go. But if anything, I feel called to pray wholeheartedly. For whatever God has in store for us. Planning and preparing, to be available, so when it’s time to go meet him or her, to respond promptly and joyously: “here we are”. May he pave the way, open doors and give us a patient and brave heart.