The air is polluted though the light is bright. It has been a very dry winter. It gets cold still. Very cold.
I sense the edge of my burnout dark hole. I still make the mistake of venturing to close, pushing myself to hold on a little longer.
Will I ever truly learn my lesson? I thin I do it from an altruistic sense, but in reality, this is where an arbitrary mirror validates my self worth.
One very cold morning, after dropping the kids to school, I went swimming as usual. I waited to pas the time to go to the post office and mail our taxes to the states. Then drove to the library to return two books that were due. And then off I went to the mechanic for a car appointment. The seatbelt alarm goes off randomly and makes a lot of noise, and it is almost endangering my driving. Is very distracting. I learned that there was a zoom call at noon that day, but I was still in the waiting room at the car place. They had another zoom option at 9 pm. But I have decided I will not attend any more zoom meeting after 9. I draw the line. I have made many exception, I have trampled my instinct and I struggled to keep my eyes open. No more. I am not doing anyone any service. I just have a hard time disappointing people.
Speaking of disappointing people. We were invited to give an interview about a class we took. There is nothing I’d like less than be I front of the camera right now. My hair is fine, my skin is ok, but I’m on strike with my mood. I don’t want to smooth talk anything and anyone. I’d probably be rude. Or come across as such.
Two friends are returning from a conference Friday and are passing through cluj and staying with us. We will host a big dinner. For a few days we thought we will have an even bigger event but we already started preparing for it. I was getting excited with anticipation. But then the plans fell through and we are back to a medium to large size dinner party.
I don’t know when we became adults. Hosting parties, hosting friends, serving and doing grown up life. It happened smoothly, while I watched my mother in law host such events. She is truly one of a kind. I know for a fact that my daughters will become great hosts because it’s in our second nature to quickly tidy up together, make our home a blessing though it’s somewhat tidy corners and clean bathrooms, a cozy ambiance and just enough mess to help other feel like this space is lived and their stuff or presence is not a burden.
I am brewing a talk about hospitality and opened and listening with curiosity. TRaining our mind and demeanor to be open and listen well. And be vulnerable and serve. We are simple but we have a great deal of selfless love to share. Sometimes it’s dry, sometimes it’s spicy but we give wholeheartedly.
And in my crazy life, we have some evenings that are delightful. Stuffed to the brim with games and sorties read out loud, good mood from the girls, and from conrad and even if I was tired, it is contagious. A happy disposition is contagious. Saturday I rested. My brain had been buzzing with heavy thoughts for weeks. Ivy’s homework pushed me over the edge. I even created a poll (it’s like I was possessed to get to the bottom of it) and asked if the other parents had to explain a lot of how to do the homework to their kids. I was not alone. Someone suggested that this age group of students learn things visually, apparently the info got to the teacher and she is now addressing the exact things discussed in that group. Visual representation, learning to discover the unknown term like a detective and the fact that the homework sometimes has a mark that means they are harder to solve and the kids should bring it up at class so they can do it together. I think I am a disruptor of sorts in this class. I speak up more than other parents feel comfortable to do. I hope it’s for the best.