I refuse to live in bondage of any kind, especially the bondage of fear or what if. Tomorrow we will visit the foster parents for the first time in over 3 months. They have been part of her memories and a point of reference (exasperating at times) for almost anything in her new life.
At times I have felt overwhelmed by her connection to the past, and I could see how new adoptive mothers could feel threatened by the past. But I have done everything in the light. And I have spoken to Jackie with transparency and love, from the very beginning.
We went to pick up some delicious Chez Coco dessert after I picked her up from kindergarten. Jackie hasn’t seen Coco in a long time. I told her we are going to see her, and she was excited, but as we arrived she got all shy. She hugged Coco tightly, and her heart was beating fast. She was red in the cheeks, and I believe she experienced this reconnection very similarly to me, or to an adult.
In light of that, the evening was very emotionally charged. Tantrums, tears out of the blue, throwing of her hat, screaming in the car on the way home from Coco …I asked her to use her words. I told her I sometimes cry because I feel overwhelmed, or if I’m sad or anxious. She instantly stopped crying and asked: “you do?” Then I asked how she feels about visiting her foster parents. (She had been asking to see them very often in the first month.) She said she doesn’t want to go there anymore. I reassured her I won’t leave her there. She is my daughter and I will never leave her behind anywhere. And I will always come for her to pick her up from kindergarten. “you will? …you will always come for me and never leave me behind?”
As I put her to bed I hear her rehearsing tomorrow’s events. Just as I write these words I hear her whisper: “when I wake up we go to Baisoara. And I give the toy to Melissa (a foster baby at the same family). I chose the toy with mommy and daddy from the store, especially for you.” Then she sang all the songs she could remember from the days she was there. Her mind is so fascinating to me!
I can only imagine how overwhelming this re-encounter is for her. She can not put it into words… but it is becoming more and more apparent that she realizes it’s a big deal. As big of a deal as I know it is.
We shall see how tomorrow goes. May God walk ahead of us.
We did it.
As we arrived in the morning, she ran straight to the crib to see baby Melisa. And was sweet and tender with her the whole time we were there.
It was smooth and natural. Jackie was shy at first. Cautious… self aware. She often searched for my gaze for affirmation. She played and laughed, told stories and amazed them with how much she has grown.
Now we just got back. She fell asleep in the car while I drove and daddy sat next to her. I believe it was an intense weekend by all accounts. But such an important milestone for my little girl. Sorting memories. Bringing order into feelings and other emotions. Building healthily upward.
