Don’t invite me to go upfront
And talk
Don’t expect me to say anything brilliant.
The well is dry
My mouth is dry
My soul feels dry.
I never feared public speaking
There is no sense of terror or panic or embarrassment
But I have nothing to say these days.
Nothing at all.
It felt so good to share these with a handful of women
In person.
Not here in my eco chamber
Where I dump my thoughts
I shared my heart with no expectations
And I was seen
For a fleeting moment
I don’t rely much on peer approval
I don’t hope for inclusion or acceptance
It always came to me in the most natural way.
Let them come to you:
Kids, friends and apologies.
Last weekend
I had to stand up and facilitate a few talks
Moderate a panel
Translate some speeches
And I did it out of inertia
I couldn’t say no
I didn’t know how to say no
People encourage me to say no
But not to them.
I am still asked to do things
And I don’t rush to justify or explain
Or to agree or disagree
But I long for a sense of peace
As I decline invitations
No fear of disappointment
No fear of rejection later on
Am I valuable as a person
Or only as what I do for others?
I have worked so hard to make myself indispensable
That at this point in life
saying no goes against my essence
And yet no I must say
I must persevere even when it’s difficult
No to good things
So I can have the bandwidth for great things
Thank you lord for these written lines
When after many months I feel my mind is clear enough to let this introspection out into the light.
May my lead feet become light
May I take flight
Not center stage
But soar high up to heaven
Cover the earth
Light as a feather.