A month of finding my balance. A dry grey month. Cold. Sad. Depressing.
I’m so glad February is over.
We are a team but so often, every other day, in my quest to serve and provide, I look at my family and wonder if any of it is worth it.
I race to serve to the detriment of others getting a chance to serve as well. I have to slow down, not in anger or as a trick, but with patience and grace, giving others who are slower a chance to notice, a chance to step up. A chance to do.
On a few occasions, especially during the ski vacation, I wanted to drop everything and go. But where? For how long? To what end? I was afraid i might not want to come back. For a very long time. I needed to regroup in place, to heal in place to have perspective.
Conrad has been attentive, and stepped up. But even then. Too little too late. Same with the kids. They don’t see what the problem is. They self centered and busy with their own interest. My ranting from the margins sounds like crazy talk. Why am I so upset?
The only real solution is slowly pull back and let them do what they need to do without me rocking the boat. But as far as it concerns me, to empower them and let them do. Pull back. Not only when I’m completely exhausted. So I have to get over the imaginary guilt that I’m not there body and soul when I don’t have to be.
The driving to and from, the extracurricular stuff, the cleaning of their room, the homework. I’m not fun anymore.
I did feel like I could be happy again. last week I thought I could taste the freedom of heart of mind to figure out what I like to do, not just do what I must.
I was holding this thought lightly but the truth is that it was very elusive. The expectation for meals on the table, a clean house, a serviced car, health insurance, taxes, bills, …it never ends.
A moment of peace, maybe I can figure out who I am and what my path going forward might be.
Then also rewrite the piece: healing through hospitality and be honest about the times it is not fun, but demanding and exhausting.