I have successfully fulfilled this essential needs for our kids.
For 8 years respectively 5 years.
Availability, guidance and connection.
I was easily accessible
I could read between the lines
Always mediating, always there. Serving, feeding,
Nourishing the mind and the body.
As of late I felt more and more used.
A punching bag
A dumpsite for unpleasant emotions
I feel the urge to pull back
Not only to protect myself
But to protect my loved ones from themselves
I did not see fit to do the same to my parents
Turning preteen
I slowly diverted my pursuit of attachment to God.
The imperfection of life, the pain, the loneliness
All these found respite in getting to know God
To pour my heart to Him
And in my 4th decade of life
I can safely say I did not make the wrong choice.
Even in my pursuit of marriage and friendship later on
The main giver of life and validation
The one I cried to
The one that was always available
Has been God.
If I were to judge these words without any understanding of faith
My whole life would sound like an illusion.
My love for God a lunacy.
And yet, here I stand, knowing that I have lived a fulfilled life
With meaning and purpose
With generosity and courage
And I can still affirm that God is my rock and my foundation.
Everything else is the illusion.
I don’t want to stand in the way of God
pursuing my daughters’ hearts.
Me filling every role, soothing, rescuing,
I am not God and I feel the burden of being there in every meaningful way.
It must be painful for J as I pull back a bit
To rest my soul
To nurse my wounds
My fragile heart.
She does what she knows best, what she can, what she feels she needs
She does what a typical teenager does.
But as I wasn’t a typical teenager
I can’t relate to her discontentment
Her erratic emotions, her questioning and hunger for explanations.
When will she take responsibility for her own hunger of knowledge
Instead of asking me to tell her what everything is or means.
It is childish – and when you are a child you ask.
And you feel connected to the giver of all answers.
And that’s good.
But as one of her feet is into teen independence and the other in childhood
Full body weight on me
I have the urge to shake off, to pull away
To protect my sanity and the last ounce of energy I have left to stay in the game.
Kids will do whatever parents tolerate.
What am I willing to tolerate?
What is good and healthy long term?