I’ve never thought of myself as necessarily insecure. I’ve rarely second-guessed myself in my adult life, even if my choices have sometimes ended negatively. If they do, I try to roll with it and learn from my own mistakes.
But recently, my mind has been mired down with thoughts of “what if”. I’ve let them all pile up in my mind to the point that I find it hard to focus on one at a time, even daily duties at times. Such is the gravity of the series of choices we’re about to make.
We’re planning on parting with the vast majority of the material possessions that we’ve gathered over the past seven years in favor of not carrying them over, shipping them, or paying for storage when we don’t have a return date. I know I shouldn’t have such attachments to things such as cars and armchairs, but they have emotional meaning to us and they were big steps to have taken when we first bought them. Is it not only fair to give the same amount of energy to the selling of them as well? Probably not. In the grand scheme of things, they mean little, and the money that we may be able to make from them will help us to pay off the debts that we have here in the States and allow us to invest in the things we need in our new home.
Aside from selling our possessions, we’re revamping our business to angle toward a personally unproven market, Uprooting and tossing away all of our daily rituals and comforts for a whole new routine, and last but not least, pursuing adoption, which has its own slew of variables and hurdles.
So my mind is swimming constantly, mixing all of these issues around and confusing them. I can’t help but think of what might happen, both positively and negatively, and dwell on the latter. What if we can’t sell or get rid of enough things to leave our storage facility, what if we can’t pack all of the things that we need, what if the client market isn’t ready for the type of work that we can offer, what if we get shut out of the adoption process somehow, and on, and on.
Needless to say, I’m not sleeping as soundly as I’d like to be. Vio tells me that I need to live in the present more, which I agree with. There are things now that need my attention; things that if aren’t paid attention to, won’t be there in the future. So the best thing that I can think of to do, is to write it all down, make lists to cross off, set goals, and try not to think myself into a corner. It’s not a pleasant place, and the air is thin.
For those of you who are praying for us through this season, thank you. We do appreciate your thoughts and words to us in passing. It’s tempting to pray for someone to come and just buy everything, for the cabinet maker to be finished already in the kitchen, for someone to find us a car in Romania, or a child… but for now, I pray for the patience to let things happen at their own pace, the wisdom to lead Vio during this time, the courage to follow all of our plans through, and for the time to take a breath every so often.