My parents stepped up to the plate. When we left the kids with them for three days they coasted together, without firm boundaries, letting us catch up from where we left, with the routines of rest, food, washing. 

This time they had to rise to the challenge and not wait for us, but actually make progress. The one thing they didn’t do is convince j to do her stretches. But that was not a surprise. They did talk to her about the importance of following the dr instructions to grow up straight and without chronic pain. 

The girls had fun all in all, and the boundaries actually made them feel like home, safe and cared for. Even though they often grumble about it. 

Upon our return they melted in our arms. They truly missed us and we feel more appreciated than ever. They even say often that they like our family, that they appreciate us and are grateful for our home together. 

And yet. 

While this time of rest was welcomed and savored, it only gave us a glimpse of what could be. It reminded us who we are beyond parenting. So much of my mental capacity is absorbed by carrying for my family. And I do it well, and for that I am inclined to continue to do it because it does give me some sort of satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. 

But as I came home to my family project I realized two weeks was not nearly enough time away. I love my kids but I’d like to be away for a little longer. The time when they seek independence from us can’t come soon enough. 

At their age I was increasingly independent mostly because I would go to school on foot by myself, and never asked for help with homework and I played independently my whole childhood. We took road-trips together in the summer and went to church together and had many family meals together. But I remember the sweet freedom of making my own schedule around school. 

As a kid I spent full summers at my grandma, without my parents. It was not glamorous as we didn’t have indoor pluming, but it was formative and hard and necessary. It also taught me a thing or two about independence.

So I can’t help but wish the same thing for my kids. Maybe we are nearly there, but for now it feels like they still open their beaks like hungry birds calling for us to pour our life and soul into them, and they are always hungry for more words, more affirmation, more guidance, more prayers, more stories, always more. 

If parenting was a traditional job I would say I’m tired of it and I want a sabbatical. 

I feel guilty for the selfishness I feel. And I rationalize it. I look at my life objectively. And I am grateful for today I have everything I wanted ten years ago. I was free to leave my career and pursue this life. We will never have it all. The trick is to pursue and appreciate the balance. Parenting is draining if we don’t do anything else but give in to the demands of others. We owe it to them, our kids and spouse, and to ourselves to embrace our more complex identity, pursuing intellectual and spiritual growth, and physical fitness. 

I write this as we drive to Sibiu to help Conrad renew his German passport. Something he postponed for various reasons since 2019. I just sat down, translated the form, filled it out, gathered the documents, made copies, prepared the pictures and made the appointment. Once I have enough free mental space I can tackle any administrative task. 

The girls are with my parents today again with increased freedom and responsibility.