I have considered going back to school. In Romania we can easily afford it. I thought about getting my masters in something like psychology, something i really liked in college but I had no guidance, plus I was really good at sciences and math, and went for the practical road. I have used and still using those skills, so I don’t regret it, still … I feel like I start anew on the road of acquiring knowledge. Then I have considered management, or getting my teaching credentials.
The love I have for learning does not match my memory of what school was like. As a student, I buckled down to plow through schooling, to finish it and then go into the world and learn the real deal, and practice and develop, and never look back. Talking with Conrad we realized that nothing stops me from truly learning. Being an autodidact takes focus and drive. But it’s possible. I don’t need a paper to prove than I learned something. And we learn every day, if we want to. Maybe auditing classes is a good start, to get a sense if anything changed.
After thinking about it for a few weeks I realized that I don’t really want to dive deep into the complexity of psychology. I think learning about the pain and the darkness of the human psyche would be a very challenging and painful trip for me. I’m not a sieve. I take drama in and mull it over. I internalize it. If I don’t have to go on such a journey, I’d rather not. On the other hand I am very interested to learn everything about adoptees and their journey, to be better equipped to love and serve my daughter well.
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I am a INTJ and it finally hit me why the psychologist responsible for our adoption case raised a red flag and told me that I am a perfectionist. I am a perfectionist but a well compartmentalized one.
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The reason Conrad and I work so well together is because he is not needy and he gives me space. I am quite independent and self-sufficient and my heart was turmoiled with the fear that a child would be too needy for my ability to cope. But either J is not that needy, or the mom in me has become stronger and more able than I thought.
I don’t over-analize things, and my parents didn’t have time or the inclination to over-parent us. It either worked perfectly or it is due to their generous freedom that I turned out the way I did. See? I don’t have to fully know. I use my instinct and intuition to navigate much of my life, and it’s like a piece of art, enjoyed not planned.
Next month (in April) we can go and file to get re-certified to adopt. The certification could only be issued mid July, and the certification period is 90 days. The world is crazy, but adopting again seems right. Feels right. Jaclyn even said two days ago, as we were going to kindergarten: “Mommy, I promise to share you with a little brother or a little sister. I’ll share daddy too. I can’t wait to be a big sister.”