The declining health of everyone and the inability to travel last summer for two memorials, plus the two years of absence, it motivated us to make an effort and travel to see family. 

We were in a good place before Christmas. Feeling energized, connected, fulfilled, active. I had high hopes for this trip. I was in a generous mood. But as they say in Romanian: “counting at home doesn’t match the counting at the market” different circumstances, perspective, motivation, needs.

After the first week I was ready to go home. But the tickets were locked in place. No changes. To we tried to make the best of it. Suspended animation. Tried to be helpful, not in the way. Not to be wished away. 

This last week feels overwhelmingly long. Conrad has been cooped up in the house. So have the girls. It’s been raining. But I’ve been out running errands. They haven’t. 

Jackie and Ivy have filled their cup with grandparents time. The joy was mutual. In essence we brought them for their mutual benefit. And that has been our only true success. I’m afraid we’ve overstayed our welcome. It’s like we do it so we don’t miss each other and not feel to sorry to say goodbye. More like Good riddance. 

I don’t think I’m falling into a self defeatist mood, as I don’t feel sad or stuck. But this last few days are challenging. Especially for the cousins. I didn’t want to micromanage their relationship but I’m starting to second-guess my decision. I thought it was wise and mature on my party but as I see it now, at the expense of their healthy relationships. Could we fudge the truth? Is it possible to micromanage their relationship long term? To what end? 

I wanted to be a good sister. Is peacemaking my calling or my curse? I have renounced that burden many years back.