Missing our daughter

Being a Daddy is the best—and hardest—thing I’ve ever done. When we met Jackie for the first time, I truly felt that I had discovered my true calling. There is so much that I have to work on to be a better Daddy to Jackie, patience, namely, but it’s a challenge that I try to take head-on, and as we stand here on the precipice again, waiting to take that second plunge into parenthood, I find myself looking into myself again. The worries that plagued me before Jackie are now revisiting me and I can’t help but feeling anxious about every possibility, especially now that we know a little bit about our new daughter. She will be about a year-and-a-half when we meet her for the first time, half the age of Jackie when we met her. There will be different challenges with her than we had with Jackie too, diapers, not walking, different food, language, etc. Things we didn’t have to deal with for our first daughter.

But despite all of this anxiety and worry, I can’t help but image all the sweet times we will have, and do already have with Jackie. How every good day will be amplified because we get to share it with two little girls instead of one.

I try to distract myself with the more fun thoughts, like what we might name her, or how we might re-arrange the apartment to fit another child we thought might sleep in the loft with Jackie (but now know she won’t be able to climb up), what adventures we will have (hikes, kayaking, city-breaks).

I pray that the good times will balance with the hard times, that Jackie will slip into the roll of big sister seamlessly and love her sister as much as we do already, that I will continue to grow confident in my language/cooking/finance skills so that I can lighten the day-to-day burden of Violeta, that God will grant me the opportunity and strength to show patience—because not getting angry at the small things is hard sometimes.

The other day one of our neighbors asked if Jackie knows that she is getting a little sister. —”Of course!” —”But does she know that she’s actually her sister?” (implying that Jackie has grasped that her sister is actually her biological sister). —”She’s excited to be getting a sister, it doesn’t matter to Jackie whether she shares genes with her or not.”

Vio made the point yesterday that [so far] none of us in this family share any biological bond, and it doesn’t make any difference as long as we love each other.