When we teach our kids that they can do hard things, we gift them the best inheritance that will build their future. When the stakes are low enough, discomfort is manageable, the loss is insignificant compared to the gain of experience.
I listen to the challenges of ivy’s classmates’ parents. The circumstances pull us into to intervene. Check the homework. Check if they are really slow writing. Help with math help with reading, help with packing their backpack. We are told to do so by the teacher and I disagree. But it is not my place to decide for a whole class. I’m not the one who cares for these kids, I’m not the one who spends all day or the one who feeds them so they would listen to anything that I’d have to say.
So I picture us, 25 families, helping our kids become better students, learn the basics, get off the ground with math skills or reading or behaving in society.
If we intervene too much and we rescue too much, that start to rely on us that we will fill in all the gaps. On the other hand we can’t leave them to their own devices. They are not capable yet to get themselves to school (though my generation we were) to peak their lunch every day (though we were), to do their homework independently (though I was). I gained so much confidence by trial and error. We save our kids of discomfort and we rob them of strength and skills and abilities.
We don’t have to reach our absolute limit of strength and patience to be good parents. We could start empowering our kids to do what they can or barely can, early. It is not bad parenting to stretch them. It is wisdom.
So I picture us trying to teach our kids to run. All the parents of the 2nd graders. Some limp, some have no muscle, some are not coordinated. Many trip often and it takes patience to first understand where they need help but not doing everything for them. It is harder towels alongside and not intervene or not fix or do for them. So we hold their hand. We walk slow. We teach them how to step. They trip and fall and first we pick them up then we just encourage them holding only one hand and so forth. But the laps are longer and more strenuous. Those who walk at a snail pace, those who crawl, those we gave up completely and sit down playing on their phone… right now the stakes are low. It doesn’t seem to matter that much. But as the teacher tells us that kids are slow are and there, they don’t pack their pencil box, they forget their books and notebooks … and then it seems she charges the parents with the responsibility. I feel there are parents who instead of assessing their kids and taking action, with a cool head and a calm heart, they put their kids on the bak and run the laps. When parents do homework with the kids till bed time, layout the clothes, dress them, pack their bags, drive them to school, pick them from school and don’t delegate any responsibility for the kid, then we dig our hole deep and dangerous.
Before I could do much my dad would say: “you are a big responsible kid and I can rely on you do take care of this. This is how you do it.” And then he would let me do it. And I wasn’t great at first but if I never tried I’d never get anywhere.
Kids are empowered to do things and are courageous that they have nothing to lose if they try… only of we are not afraid of failure. Let’s acknowledge that life is hard, that we are average, that we will fail that things don’t come easy and we will cry and struggle. And then don’t do the work for them.
Ivy does her homework on the own now. Thank goodness for this progress. She can pack her lunch. She packs her own bag since she was 7.
Jackie can come home by bus. She packs her own bag. I still drive her to school when I pick ivy up.
She dresses herself since she was 3. Mixing and matching whatever. I don’t really care. As long as it’s weather appropriate and decent.