Harboring certain feelings

A while back I started a post about jealousy. I don’t think I posted it. It was actually about trying to live discreetly as to not incite envy. As for harboring said feeling on our own… each with his own burden.

With social media so prevalent, staying clean and clear is harder and harder as everyone tries to present their best selves. I assume we also try to help our already selective memory to remember only the good times. As for me, I use Instagram to document our photos in order to print them with Chatbooks.

But the bottom line is that we get depressed when we compare our inside selves with others’ outside presentable selves. It’s not a fair or healthy comparison.

Also, after living in Romania for three years we realized and fully embraced the reality that our daily happiness is not confined by space, on the contrary, it transcends it. Coming to California for Christmas sounds idillic. Yet it’s family time. Like any family reunion, with its expectations and idiosyncrasies. With more defined nucleus and more kids with their own needs and personalities.

We love it, and at the very same time it’s challenging. The hardest part for me is to feel that I’m not present enough while desiring yet more quiet time.

This trip seemed utopian this summer. We finally got Jackie a visa yet we still thought that maybe we won’t come this year to see family. The three tickets sum up to 20% of our net yearly income. It is a huge amount and that it why I decided to work during the holidays. It is a huge sacrifice. And when we talk about the next family reunion the family calculates the expense as 3 tickets vs. 9 transatlantic tickets. We laugh that we’ll all be in our forth decade of life next time we meet again. Though I know Grammie and Grampa wouldn’t stay away for long.

It reminds me of my parents who always traveled to visit grandma. Every month. Sometimes twice a month. And some of my uncles and aunts would make poking comments about how it’s easy for us to visit, but for them it’s impossible. And it sounded like a fault. Though time and money were always spent on staying connected such. It seems I have inherited that *blessing.

On top of that, my working these two months hasn’t been well received. I have inconvenienced get togethers, though we made it all work out in the end.

We all do as much as we can, and it’s nobody’s fault nor responsibility for our costly trip. We gladly did it and we assume the financial burden.

Above all, after such a long time spent apart, our parenting clashes. For the longest time the word was to wait and see the reality of parenting for ourselves. We continue to live by our own code and it still works, despite *predictions.

I pray for a good heart. A gentle heart. A forgiving heart. A flexible heart. An understanding heart. For all the extended families out there.
All the quirks were new to me for many years, and I mostly find them funny and appealing, but after a while, unfiltered thoughts, judging opinions, there are so many things I could say back, that would be on par, but my filter doesn’t allow me to be unkind. So it just doesn’t come out. There only silence. And in the end that’s a good thing. My subconscious leads the way, and i trust it regardless of the appearance.

To all the friends who might be tempted to harbor feelings of envy, please stop and consider the larger context of our lives. An international couple is exciting and equally challenging. A family formed through adoption has a story. It’s beautifully exciting and equally challenging. And the present journey shows little of its adventurous past.