A few years ago I was a big believer and proponent of sharing feedback in various professional contexts. I even held some training classes in diferent companies. But as a guest trainer I believe the impact is much lighter. Not knowing the culture and not working side by side with the teams – my experience has been more effective embracing feedback was from within, by circling back to it often.
Doing sporting training I got tired of pushing for feedback. I wanted to take a step back and just be. Around then my heart was called to a whole new world of parenting and adoption.
But as life settled on its course, I can see clearly how that old topic can fit in the current fragmented lifestyle I lead. Taking the essence and trying to implement on the go, in various contexts. Feedback is essential to a healthy culture, to healthy social engagement. To growth.
So I finally prepared a possible talk for ROM. It poured out of me within minutes. And it flows.
I am a mix of cultures and I don’t know anymore where one ends and another one begins.
I have learned about feedback in my onboarding training at Apple. Having tried to incorporate it in my life outside work I realized it takes a certain language to be shared in order to have it be effective. You have to care enough to share feedback. And to be vulnerable enough.
It is easier to practice giving and receiving feedback in a culture that expects it. That has the words for it. And offers the opportunity daily.
Not with just one person but an entire community.
I wish it was as easy as offering a few liners, swallow a small pill, follow these three steps and you are good to go.
Reflecting on the power of feedback I realize one needs to care deeply in order to engage in offering and receiving honest and constructive opinions.
For a while it had become second nature to me, and I have to say: in all my other professional communities, never have I felt more free and confident and able to progress as in the context where I had the words to express constructive and encouraging feedback on a regular basis.
There was also this side of trusting that I don’t have blind sides. If someone has something to share, they have the green light to do so and the formula to approach me.
I never wondered anymore if I have blind spots. And that is incredibly powerful.
Occasionally I would ask my husband: “may I offer you some feedback?”
He didn’t like my cold approach. He felt I’m patronizing him and indeed these words I was using were very formal – but I had to try it. I had best intentions and he just wasn’t used to this kind of approach. I did tone down my professional voice in my personal life. At the end of the day all I wanted to know was if he could hear me out. Was it a good time? Was he in a receptive place? The truth is that over time a husband and wife, when they learn about each other’s limits, micro reactions, abilities, style, energy – one doesn’t need to step into a deep conversation so formally.
I have tried to share my deep appreciation and lessons learned about the power of feedback in other contexts. But I couldn’t quite see how they would fit in such a diverse group. Not that there isn’t a need for it but that we don’t have that many opportunities to practice it in earnest.
You want the tools and the words and the expectation that we can speak honestly with each other. But is it always a good time? Is it always necessary to the depth we had practiced it in a day to day professional environment? Will it have the same effect?
I had to lower my expectations and accept that people have the courage and the capacity for a lot less practiced vulnerability.
Offering feedback can be just as hard as receiving feedback. And the one offering it has to do the hard word of sorting out their thoughts, and putting themselves out there to offer a gift after all.
There are a few questions that I started asking myself before offering feedback:
Does this person have the capacity to hear me?
Do I care enough to challenge our relationship by offering my opinion?
Will it make a difference in their lives or just rattle them or hurt their feelings?
Will they take it the wrong way?
As we embark on the feedback adventure I tell people that positive feedback has to outweigh the constructive feedback. You earn the right to speak the truth in someone’s life if you take the time to also notice what they do well. And giving positive feedback can be just as awkward. If not more. And harder to spot. But one can develop new skills of encouragement.
Who am I to offer positive feedback?
Well, no matter who you are, if you become a positive feedback giver you inevitably elevate yourself to a leadership position. Not with a title but with your presence.
I was nobody in my company. I was an entry level employee. But because of this tool of feedback I was given, I started to use it in earnest. And I had learned that one could and should give feedback to peers, to those you lead if there are any, and to those who lead you. I was quite comfortable around higher management and made the decision to observe and share feedback. Little things. Specific things. I saw the power of feedback in action. And it convinced me. Words of affirmation are a powerful love language.
Being seen, no matter where you are in your work place, in your family, in your community, is powerful. We have the power to give that gift to others. We don’t have a say in how or when people see us. But feedback offers connection. Even if the feedback is constructive. Someone cared enough to speak about a delicate matter to you. They may have not done it perfectly. No matter how they had approached you, the matter is so delicate that it would have rubbed you the wrong way. But the alternative, the silence, living with a blind spot …long term that is worse.
Brene Brown has a chapter on feedback in one of her leadership books. The line that stuck with me to this day say that I am ready to offer feedback when I am ready to sit shoulder to shoulder not across the table. I think the subtle message there is that we don’t project our opinion on others (especially as leaders) but we make it clear that we want to see what they see. Shoulder to shoulder two people can attempt to have the same point of view, the same take on a situation, an event, a behavior. It takes a good deal of humility and patience to slow down and listen even when your opinion has been shaped by what you already saw. But we can step into most difficult situations with more confidence if we assume positive intent.
As a novice in my company I have learned the basic types of feedback in a quadrant: specific / general, positive / constructive.
Let’s talk about some examples of feedback we could give each other in this newly formed and temporary community. In this exact formula, in this place, we won’t be again together.
It is our change to practice feedback so we could take it home to our profesional communities, our church, our neighborhood.
In the past when I talked about feedback at ROM, a common response I got was that asking for permission before offering feedback was a novel idea. It sets the stage, it prepares the interlocutor to tune in to what you have to say. Or it postpones the conversation if it really isn’t a good time without hurt feelings. If you are in a bad place, hearing some constructive feedback may set the conversation up for failure.
Tell me more. Help me understand where you are coming from. Thank you for taking the time to come and talk to me. I did not see this coming. I need some time to think about it. I appreciate the courage it took for you to come and talk to me about this.
When someone offers feedback difficult to hear, don’t respond in haste. Don’t justify yourself. Thank them and take some time to ponder. You will also receive hard to swallow feedback. You may not agree with it. But be a good leader and don’t react emotionally. There is always a seed of truth in what everyone says.
I have given feedback numerous time. Most often positive. And it got to a point where my colleagues would come and ask for my feedback. It felt like they are fishing for compliments. Or maybe they were just craving encouragement and they knew I am an observant colleague or leader. Even that pattern though of people asking for feedback told me that the leadership team should step up the game and be more present and observant and communicative.
A greatest compliment for a leader is be to be approachable. Can your spouse come and talk to you and trust you can hear them? Can your kids come and give you feedback or tell you what you could have done better in relation to them? I receive constructive feedback often from my kids. And they are not perfect. And they don’t listen too well when I give them feedback. My little one sulks often – and I have to change my approach. And if I offer positive feedback often she is definitely more receptive to constructive feedback.
My husband told me that he feels I took the bullet train to self-improvement when I worked at Apple and I left him in the dust. I was a bit much in that season of reading all kinds of books, doing all kinds of tests, and having the profesional context to apply my newly discovered knowledge. But life is also meant to be lived and not just overanalyzed. I am also a bit older and tired and I have less patience for self-knowledge games.
But, as I revisited the feedback integration in community, I remembered how much healthier and happy we could be. Keeping the flow of communication going, with honesty and purpose, encouraging each other and offering our insight when appropriate, and learning to ask for permission before sharing anything heavy or noteworthy.
In a culture open to feedback, the development becomes everyone’s responsibility. We practice assuming positive intent and the courage to be vulnerable.