I was listening to a great podcast this morning “Why awkward is awesome” hosted by Simon Sinek.
I did not have friends in primary school. I went there 4 hours a day, learned what I could and was thrilled to go home and play and be cozy. Didn’t have birthday parties, my colleagues never visited me at hime and I never visited any of them. Ever.
I was not one for seeking adventure or friends. Not even in church. I would quietly observe others. I never thought I was awkward but I never observed myself from outside of my self. I was content in my own head in my own skin.
In 5th grade I became poplar because it turns out I was smart. I dint’t even know that by then. But I didn’t trust the popularity that being smart granted me. I could read right through the motivation people had to seek my company or to be my desk mates.
I liked to help those who struggled because they didn’t feel entitled to my help or friendship. My colleagues voted me the president of the class, to the shock of the popular kids. After a semester I resigned. I didn’t want to be the class president. I couldn’t care less for the prestige of that title and nobody told me what the job entailed. I had been berated by teachers for things my colleagues did or did not do and were supposed to do. And I felt tricked into taking this role.
Anyway, being smart or diligent or hardworking insulated me for seeking anyones’ approval. Or at least my peers approval which was inconsistent at best.
I have made friends the older I got, but I liked the nerdy quieter kids more than the popular ones. I never pegged myself into exclusive friendships and that gave me a lot of freedom of heart and mind. I saw how easy it is to take on language or behavior of troublemakers and I didst tryst myself to not emulate the language or get ideas.
Probably from Sunday school Psalm 1 stuck with me.
Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.
Enjoying my solitude saved me a lot of grief, but it also shaped me in the way I approach friendship today. If people treat me like im popular I get this suspicious feeling that makes me run away. I don’t understand why people gravitate towards me and I like my space. Just like in 5 to 8th grade, people wanted to copy my homework, i get this sad feeling when I smell ulterior motives for befriending me.
I watch Jackie in 5th grade and she is a lot cooler than I was at her age. Outspoken and funny. Musical and kind. But she has inconsistent friends. I wish I could tell her and for her to believe me, that it will not always be this way. She will have steady friends as she learns to be a consistent friend. They get tired of each other easily, they speak their mind with bluntness, and these are great traits if one learns to hone them with kindness.
Oh, the rejection when having to find a conversation partner during class, or team mate in a sport, or even that stupid game: “little bird find a new nest”. The rejection of not being chosen or accepted is brutal. But a valuable lesson. One has to go through that, so they can live a life of empathy and embracing the other.
I hope she will continue to embrace her awkward, she will relish in her uniqueness and she won’t try to make herself small to be given crumbs of acceptance or inclusion. I’d rather be alone than feel small and judged and used.
To this day, my husband makes the greatest decision in serving, listening, adapting, loving us, out of a sense of sheer gratitude that we love him wholeheartedly. If he felt entitled to this life he would be more unpleasant in self entitlement and self importance probably.