I have been a very obedient child. Having an older brother who stepped on a few mines of exploring his free will, I have learned to navigate the social system to my advantage. I could have been an expert manipulator. I worried at times that I’m too good and nimble in social settings to be true. My saving grace was the word of God, looking into the Bible as into a mirror and gazing intently and honestly, asking God to search my heart and correct it freely. He didn’t need my permission, but I liked to give it all the same. A willingness of sort.
The credit goes to my parents who showed such regard and respect for me to explain things since I was way too young to deserve such regard. But they helped me mature and raise to the challenge by treating me as a mature child who would understand if they took the time to explain. I trusted them and they lived honestly according to their principles, with integrity. I saw their flaws too, and I saw through the flaws of other adults but because they never presumed perfection, I didn’t fall into the trap of feeling lost when other people in authority failed or were lost themselves.
Adults failed me often. Angry teachers, misguided political leaders, absurd laws, church leaders. But again, going to the story of the bible, Jesus lived in an imperfect world too, where religious leaders and political leaders made grave mistakes. He didn’t hold it against them. But he rose above. Challenging the status quo, keeping silent other times, healing when je wasn’t supposed to, retreating to rest when he needed to. Anyway, he was a man of integrity who showed the way to civil disobedience when you obey the Father.
I didn’t feel lost or betrayed when trusted leaders failed. Even as a minor. I have seen church leaders lost and confused. And I pitted them quietly. Prayed for them, detaching thus easier. People are imperfect. I believe I was able to grow up because of this clear understanding of adulthood and took life into my own hands. But always having a God to follow.
Tata was very disappointed by some church leaders who didn’t make terrible mistakes but they were unwise in how they presented themselves in connection to the church. And my dad’s respect for them and trust was shaken. As he is in his 70s, and I am in my 40s, I see an understand so well his train of thought. I explained to him that these leaders are just human as well, and they should have done better as leaders. His disappointment is reasonable but he can’t get stuck in it. Moving on, accepting that mistake, trying to forgive and if he wants to remain in a relationship with said leaders, he will need to let go of old hurts, even as he is cautious about future blunders. They may never admit fault. Or have good justifications for how they handled stuff. But a sign of maturity is forgiveness because it gifts the forgiver the freedom from unnecessary burdens.
I have left the said church because it was not willing to change. But good leaders are followed even in dark seasons, even when they fumble. Coercion does not work on the new generation. Though a little bit of manipulation is everywhere, where a sense of belonging is the greatest bargaining chip. I will take solitude as a gift not a curse to sit still and reflect on the Truth.
Discernment is hard earned. Courage to admit the reality and live within the light. I don’t have all the answers. And I am imperfect but I seek the Truth and I pray I remain flexile in mind and spirit to grow until the day I day.