Balance without apology

I don’t take initiative out of a great sense of ability, I do it because of my realization of how inadequate I feel. In the same breath I am convinced that if I feel so inadequate, then others must feel the same. So I take a step forward. 

While doing this unaware, and using a slight internal compass to guide me, not thinking too highly of myself, I was able to coast safely with the ebb and flow of contextual needs. 

When I was going through training as a specialist at apple, it was brought to my attention that I need to rein it in. The needs are many and often competing. I can’t do them all. And I have to let others step up. 

It felt wrong and selfish to see something that needs to be done, that I could do, and not take action. But that lesson has helped me in my marriage, early on, it may have even saved it, as i learned to verbalize the things that need to be done for our household, and practically delegating to my husband. We had gotten into a routine of me observing the needs and taking care of it fast to the point of not leaving anything for my husband to do. It created a sense of inadequacy in him. But not an evident one. But subtle. Subversive. Undermining his self confidence and my trust. 

When I hit a low in my exhaustion he took a marker and wrote down my to do list and checked off the things he will take over. I felt so loved and cared for then. He saw me. He got out of his comfort zone. He took initiative. 

I don’t like to delegate. It was never modeled for me and it is out of my comfort zone. And yet, I am dabbing with delegating. Because I also want to grow. 

With house chores I am starting to let the girls learn some skills. They get bored fast. But they are curious at least to learn how I do it. I still complete the tasks, while spending energy showing them how to do stuff. Eventually I see how it pays off. When they do it later on, as best they can. 

The danger for people like me is mingling with people who are not self aware, are disorganized and rely on others too much to pick up the loose ends. 

I take a deep breath and I ask myself: is it my responsibility? Is it my problem? Will I hinder more long term if I volunteer my help?

I must remember that “no” is a perfectly valid answer. I am still to get out of a few tasks I took charge of. Also, I am very susceptible to hints. 

I need to get out of a few group leadership positions and yet when someone asked about initiating a new group, I felt compelled to mediate, to help out, to offer my partnership. Just in time I rephrased it and invited the friend to the leadership group to be initiated independent from me. 

Then this young man was traveling through Europe and reached out to hang out while passing through cluj. When he said he has no plans and would rather stay would friends, sure enough my mind whet to offer our help where we could. But instead of making decisions on my own, I told him I’ll talk with my husband and get back to him. The wise first step to not overpromise anything. 

Ah, the wisdom of humility. It’s so tempting to take charge for me, but I’d make a few hasty decisions. Then live with resentment. I say yes more than I should. To seemingly good things that turn out to burned me and my family. 

Without apology I got back to this guy, whom we didn’t know well at all, and offered to host him one night and share our home cooked meals. He gladly accepted. I’m sure he would have been happy with more, but that was what my husband agreed to offer. And I rested under his leadership. 

It turned out well, and we didn’t resent our generosity. May he travel safely. His decision to backpack through Europe is not my responsibility and I don’t need to plan for him or save him. 

May we always find balance. The balance between doing nothing and trying to do everything. May we communicate clearly with kindness. And may we understand that our response won’t always be what others want or expect us to do, but their disappointment is not our problem to fix.