I promise we usually take slow steps.
If it was up to ivy,
At this age,
unfiltered, unencumbered friendliness,
She would invite friends over to play
every day.
After the movie night,
5 hours of chats, food, games and movie
The night was sweet and warm and playful
And they all stayed longer still
In front of our house
After walking Rufus.
But I know how mental exhaustion
And pent-up restrained
Wanting to say more, do more, be more,
Creates a tension that they are not familiar with
one asks a question or says something
The other one misunderstands
And down the rabbit hole they go,
Trying to reassure the other
But making to worse.
They are still learning to comunicate kindness
And not take from the other
Who has just a little to give at the end of the day.
Forming one’s thoughts before speaking
Choosing words
Deciding what to communicate with intention
It is not manipulation. It is wisdom and maturity
But they both leaned on someone more mature thus far
And it’s strange to lean on a peer
Though the exercise is good. A good lesson.
A day passes and ivy would like to repeat the fun
Not understanding the need for a break
A bit of space
To reassess, and reflect.
Fun is fun.
She visits all the kids on the street.
We rarely have guests
Because little kids have undeveloped polite social skills
They are demanding and Conrad has
no more patience for that age group
A day of rest passes
And I reach out to the boys’ mom
To invite them over.
First invitation for a play day (legos or games)
And second invite is for all of them
for dinner at the end of the week.
She is kind. But declines both invitations.
They’ll be out of town on friday
And today her younger son wants to finish some math homework
I feel a taste of rejection
But I don’t take it personally.
I worry only that I may have misread the signals
What if i’m overstepping my boundaries?
And we are overly friendly
And they are tired of our eagerness.
Are we too eager?
The day of rest in between is a good reset.
I settle in my heart
I am who I am
And we are not interdependent
If we are too much
We will give them space
And that will be that.
My heart settles and my lungs fill with air
The next day I remeber who I am
with clarity.
And I am at peace.
Busy with the passport renewal and tired from the day.
But they do decide to come over the next day
And play legos and games
And we have fun.
They are cautious and unsure
Polite to a fault
Stepping lightly while we make space
To just walk in and be
Jackie wants them to knock at the door
Take that step of courage
That leap of faith
Be brave and show up at the door.
The younger siblings are braver and show off
And dare and share and communicate
I play a game of ticket-to-ride with the older kids
While the younger ones build legos.
I have fun.
I get to know this older boy
And it feels easy and cozy and chill
The other ones join and we play another game
By now our brains are tired
It gets hot in the living room
We chat while Conrad joins us.
He is a bit serious but also a bit sarcastic
He tries in his own way
But he also mumbles his jokes
And the boys don’t get it hard the time
The atmosphere changes
It was a delicate balance to begin with.
Dead air. Silence.
I ask a few questions
The wind picks up again
I bring out cookies and share glasses of water
But I am alone with 4 teen/kids and a serious husband
Eventually the guests says maybe they should go
And pack for the trip they need to take next day
We have nothing to offer
No alternative
It is boring but I don’t want them to leave
And yet I dint say they should stay
I never liked that offer if it’s empty.
They get up to leave
Jackie follows to walk them to the door
I remember the book I said I’ll give to their mom
And follow them
As we left the dining room
The conversation picks up again
And it’s fun again
And we tell them they are not imposing
But they put their shoes on already
I offer to play volleyball and jackie accepts with enthusiasm
We all go out and they go home
To take the book to their mom
And then, though I didn’t think they would
They come back
And we play piggy in the middle
And frisbee and we talk more and have a lot of fun
It was a good visit.
I enjoyed it
I got to know them
And I dare to believe they enjoyed the visit too.
The summer vacation is nearly over
Conrad’s birthday around the corner
Things bubble up about our state of mind
I miss his parents and their steady sense of self
Their fun company and vision about the world.
Their influence over Conrad
My sense of rest that I am not needed to interpret to appease Conrad
But it’s alright. We all grow. And this is a season that’s necessary.