Mid life adults struggle with people pleasing. The idea in itself is not inherently bad, but when we stop listening to our own wishes or preferences, we can be in danger of losing ourselves alltogether.
I wanted to please my parents. And watching my brother test the waters with daring courage, I stayed clear from the area where he created stress or tension. As a younger kid though I have a heightened sense of responsibility beyond the norm. It is because I was an older cousin in my group and my grandmother treated me as such. At hime I was pampered. At her house I was charged with responsibility. I lived a dual life. But it gave me perspective and appreciation for my family life and the comfort there. For that reason I have learned to choose my battles and pull back occasionally without feeling guilty.
I wanted to please my parents because they were good and wise and not demanding. This is where it starts. We like the response we get when we do what it’s expected of us to do and in essence that is good. Society is balanced and pleasant when people are considerate of each other. My saving grace was that my parents worked full time and they didn’t hover. They didn’t over praise me not did they manipulate my actions with they pleasure or displeasure. Being left alone a lot I would read between the lines and I always tried to compensate or fill in all the gaps. Because my parents weren’t there much when I was a teen. The double edge sword. Going to exams by myself, cleaning the house, coming and going to school church or ant events concerning me. Traveling across the country as a teen, or crossing the ocean by myself with no fear just a bit of heightened awareness.
As an adult, as a parent, I see the trap of making our kids carry burdens early and influencing them to please us. But the alternative of seeing so many young parens letting their kids be their true selves without boundaries, without clear direction or character influencing or health and safety preservation – I worry. I don’t think that’s a healthy extreme to go into.
It’s ok to teach your kids manners and to help them be a pleasing company. It will serve their best interest – this self awareness.
Today ivy called me from our neighbor’s phone, who told Ivy she can bring her home as the school ended, to ask if she can stay till 1 pm (another hour). I told her no. I have arranged for the pickup because school ended. What does she mean stay another hour. For what? Ok – she answered.
But as she got home we clarified the situation. She wanted to play a little longer with her colleague whose parents were late to pick their kid up (a miscommunication regarding when school ends).
I could hear the teenage response for kids “Absolutely you can stay longer. But you have come home on your own.” It’s not my style to answer that way. The reality is that ivy is not quite aware of the effort of driving them to and from school. It’s a 20 km roundtrip through traffic. I went to a neighborhood school and woke up with an alarm and walked myself to school. Sometimes I’d eat breakfast but most often I’d eat upon returning home at noon. Or 11.
I made kids breakfast at the beginning of this school year. I will again pull back by pointing them the options they can pack, but let them be responsible for their own meals. I drive them to school every day, but Jackie comes home by bus. So far she came home by herself every day. I have an arrived as a parent. Now ivy is a different story. She was very responsible. She has it in her to be organized and on top of things, but if I do things for her she easily lets go.
I need someone to stop me. Unless I keep this truth clear in the forefront of my mind. I am tempted to rescue, to do things for others, things they could do themselves. I should not rob them of the lesson or the confidence built as they solve their own problems. Like waking up or packing lunch. Homework is a different beast. Ivy’s teacher works against us in challenging the kids to be independent. She texts us homework and puts on us the burden of the entire class complaining (without giving names) that the kids were to restless or too slow or didn’t do their homework and the list of complaints is long and overwhelming. Meanwhile, she expects them to read 150 page books in 2nd grade. My daughter who is pretty capable struggles to read due to her digraphia – when she started writing she was writing in mirror. Fascinating – probably linked to her being a lefty.
Ivy can’t quite grasp or tell me what the expectations of her teacher are. There is no clear guidance or vision or understanding of where she stands in her school abilities. Her teacher gives her top marks but we fill in gaps like there is no tomorrow and important information is only mentioned in passing. I bet this struggle will create a certain type of resilience but for now it just overwhelms me.
She has a stronger tendency to be a people pleaser, more than her older sister, and I try to wrap my mind around where this comes from. Both have been with us since age three. How much is personality, how much is still influenced by the year spent with the foster family.