I was invited to join Jackie’s class for her day trips this week. In the past I have said yes, from a sense of responsibility more than a deep desire to hang out with preteens. I am friends with the teacher and we work together outside the class setting. But I have a hard time discerning my limit and once I enter the dance I can’t exit until the music stops. Yesterday the kids went on a beautiful trip to Hundeoara castle, to Deva citadel and Sarmisegetuza ruins. They left at 7:30 AM and came back after 9 PM. On one hand I would have loved to hang out with the other mom and the teacher, but I don’t trust my battery life.
As motherhood drains me these days, the thought of spending my days around kids feels insane. Mainly because I feel drawn to it while fully aware that I don’t have the energy for it.
I just finished reading Tortured for Christ and the book put my life in perspective, but to a degree parenting is a type of self-imposed prison of servitude and sacrifice. Which also purifies the spirit and sanctifies.
The last two weekends we hosted a friend, a pastor and mentor. It was an enriching time together. He frankly adapted to our calm home setting, of quiet reading in the morning while sharing breakfast. And then socializing for dinner with different people, at home or in town. After we dropped him off at the airport, different friends from out of town were visiting and we made another impromptu dinner. A rich time of conversation and encouragement. We throw our bread on the water and in our time of need it will come back to us.
We were joking that we host dinners every week, and we invite people over who can’t return the favor. I purposefully want to bless those who need such company and a warm meal, just to bless them, not to expand out social circle. I also want to learn the art of serving and make it second nature. Though setting the table the other day, it felt like I have done this a thousand times in this house and I felt so tired of it.
A short moment of rest, I sit down and draw my breath… then I get renewed energy to get up and do what needs to be done. I overthink my responsibilities when I’m mentally exhausted. But then it’s a vicious circle. As I am finishing this paragraph we are trying to decided which of us will drive down to the 5 km away roundabout to pick up Jackie. Last night Conrad went at 9 pm to bring her and her colleague home. I have the food simmering and I feel unreasonably tired though I spent the morning in town helping Ivy with her market experience and picked Jackie up from the bus. It is a rainy day and I felt the cold in my bones waiting around for the market to be over. I need to integrate my mind and my heart and my soul within my body.