For a decade I have been validating my daughter’s emotions. I feel conflicted these days because of my imagined social pressure to discourage her exclusive romantic interests, as she & him are quite young. Nobody said anything, but I feel I should have taken a firmer stance earlier.
But after a lifetime of validating her heart, mind, acknowledging her interests, thoughts, affection, how can I ask her to effectively suppress certain emotions? I lay out the facts. I walk alongside her. I give fair warning about the possibility of heartbreak. But what is my role really? Protect to a degree. Guide to another.
So we talked about dating and its purpose: to get to know someone with the intention of marriage. But that is a long time away. I think it took us all by surprise to see the maturing of this friendship to this degree of awareness, conversation, closeness. It was not meant to become this serious this fast. And yet here we are. Reining it back in slowly. The new school year will force them to reset the amount of time they spend together. I guess if I had been very clear in my own experience & belief about dating earlier on, I could have persuaded her to lean into discret observation of her heart’s desires. I did bring up this verse that is still mysterious to me: “I swear to you, daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken love until it comes on its own.” So the way I told her was to not stoke the fire of the heart in an artificial way. But how could teenagers not to that, motivated by this newly discovered burning fire.
This is a tricky season for those of us with strong bonds with our kids. Letting them go, giving some space, reminding them of the tools, boundaries, freedoms & responsibilities they have.
I have reset the clock for evening use of the phone, asking her to turn it off and not check it after 10. And she willingly obeyed as she noticed the clutter of thoughts keeping her up if she stayed late to chat.
Also, during vacation the curfew was pushed 9 pm (with few exceptions). When school starts it will be 8 pm. We keep talking about certain rules and boundaries, not to get her approval or buy-in, but to help her understand the reasoning. Some rules she disagrees with, but still follows them (at first begrudgingly) because she trusts us. Thank God for certain timely investments.
The job never ends. It only changes. May we continue to grow with it.