After what felt like a very long time of showing up, holding up, I started to lose my grip on life, reality, and what matters most. We survived multiple crises, and I kept it together, we kept it together I guess. But my vision got blurry and it felt like he is coming short on his end of the deal. I needed him to regroup and pickup the slack and not rely on me so much for so long. When he wanted to expand his scope that involved my doing even more, his dreaming started to feel like a burden, like we are completely disconnected. A house in the mountains, a cabin, a son, a printing house, a business that I would have to manage… he didn’t see I felt like I was drowning, trying to do well what was already entrusted to me. And I started dreaming about escape. Escape from the preset, responsibilities, his elbow resting on my shoulder.
We had overcome a lot, sickness, financial crisis, parenting, sleep deprivation, blocked care, hopelessness, lack of community, faith challenge, friends moving away, kids going through a lot of changes, parents losing their bearings, old age.
I am not one to run away from responsibilities but I put on the table his worst fear and my complete exhaustion on an evening of letting go of appearances. A panic attack ensued after a third zoom call on the same day, where more of me was demanded and very little reward and a lack of communication. I was needed for translation work and the level of expectations was high, and the promise made of repay was silent or delayed. I felt used. Used by friends. Used by my family. At the end of my rope. And I confronted the possibility of stopping it all, not doing anything anymore. Would I still belong? Would I still have worth? Would I still be loved? That is the question. I don’t mind the work as long as we believe it is purposeful.
During this season of feeling unappreciated and not valued I considered separation. Taking off, to make those around me truly see me, though of my absence. But I didn’t have to go that far. To disrupt. To hurt. To incur fear in those I love.
It turns out staying was the best decision, as we had yet another season of extraordinary delight. With the kids, with my husband. Letting go of some demanding volunteering projects. Limiting their grip on my availability and mind and heart.
This is yet again a best season of delight – feeling loved as a wife, truly loved, like never before. And a husband who is motivated enough to take better care of himself. After years of embracing a sedentary winter life. Depressing engulfing. He started hiking, finding pleasure in his initiatives, in pursuing the outdoors not waiting for me to open doors. His taking initiative and living life gave my heart rest and trust and I took delight in observing him.
I belong. There is no need to escape.
The mind is an incredible ally or enemy.
I am present. Wiling to serve wholeheartedly.
To help others feel like they belong.
Life has a purpose and we continue the journey.