I did not aspire to become a parent. Nor did I aspire to become a leader.
In my mid 20s it was suggested to me to consider a leadership role that became available. The conversation took me by surprise, because I was the newest on the team, and the youngest. But my manager told me I had influence. I was “a diamond in the rough”, to quote him. That phrase stuck with me. I did not want power because I was well aware of the responsibility that comes with it. And I have a complex relationship with responsibility. It easily sticks to me. I’m drawn to it. Responsibility motivates and fascinates me. But if I’m not careful it can crush me.
I did end up getting that job and I learned a lot. The growing pains were real and as I helped my team develop I became acutely aware of the skills that make a leader great. Listening, giving and receiving feedback, taking responsibility for what didn’t go well, and giving credit to the team members, being fair, being humble, speaking up, having their back, getting to know them well to help them grow, and letting them go when it was time.
That experience as a leader made me want to become a mom.
Mothers see potential in the earliest stages. And I dare say that their belief and encouragement make things happen. Kids gain confidence built on the parent’s belief that they can.
Before employees prove themselves, someone takes a chance on them. And as they show they are capable, more responsibility is given, and advancement in the work place.
The one competency I struggled with for the longest time was delegating. Since I was a kid I did not like to be told what to do. Which motivated me to always be one step ahead of what needs to be done. I was overawe and that’s a different story. And I assumed that people feel the same way.
There is an art in delegating well. Motherhood helped me overcome this blockage. Delegating according to each person’s skills, pushing just a tad their area of expertize to help them grow, and not apologizing for delegating. To this day I’d rather do many things myself to the point of exhaustion, but that would steal away my people’s sense of accomplishment, self-confidence, and opportunity to grow.
As a good leader, I must keep my eyes and ear open, to see potential and delegate well, to offer development opportunities and have consistent one-on-ones to validate, answer questions and ask for feedback.
When in doubt, exhausted or frustrated, I take a step back and think: “how would I deal with this if my family was my work team? For some reason I can detach easier and not take things personally. The flip side of the coin is: if my team at work messes think up, I’d try to extend the same grace in a do-over as I would with my kids.
Both perspectives are invaluable but for sure my experience as a leader in a professional context helped me be a better mom, especially as we entered the pre-teen stage. And I do believe that all moms are going through and intense leadership school. I hope all of them understand that to have influence you don’t need to strive to be liked.
You need to know who you are and where you are going, pursuing strong values, making hard calls, setting boundaries etc. These are extraordinary leadership skills and may we embrace the servant leadership role we undertook from the moment we washed those first little feet.